My cousin called this morning when I was doing prayers, he was hurt and disappointed by what our uncle had said to him. Apparently, he needed to loan some money and was willing to pay it back with interest, but my uncle blatantly told him that even if he (our uncle) had 10 million lying idly in a bank account, he wasn't going to loan it to my cousin. These words struck anger and pain in my cousin and he called me to register this dissatisfaction. Apparently, I was also reeling from what this same man told me yesterday.
He berated my health condition so badly and said that no woman would want to marry me and that the only way I should sire a child was to impregnate any woman I mistakenly took to bed, and that I had to do that as soon as possible. This man in question was like the most vocal person in our extended family. He wasn't wealthy, but he was rich enough for everyone to see him as a demigod. Everyone is mostly scared of him, even his elder brother and my aunts. He had this commanding authority and he used it to intimidate anyone he pleases.
He takes turns to humiliate anyone at will, and this is because of his financial prowess. He is the breadwinner of the extended family (excluding me and my cousin) and because of this, no one is willing to challenge him. He's not necessarily a bad person, but the fact that he's a financial savior made him build a reputation of arrogance over the years, and I know him for this character. I'm used to people mocking my health situation, he wasn't the first, I've mastered the art of staying at peace when he comes for me, however, I have been mourning and vulnerable, and I guess everything he said to me unbalanced me yesterday.
Where I come from, people worship money, you can easily build affluence by spending money, Making people dependent on your financial assistance, and this way, you can enslave them, rendering them unable to have an opinion or thoughts of their own. While this man hasn't given me any financial assistance, I admit he came through for my parents when they were alive, and one way or the other, his influence is so huge, that he categorically does whatever he wants and no one would question him.
My cousin was pissed and almost in tears. His financial condition was caused by what most young people in Nigeria are facing; becoming a breadwinner too early in life. This man had absolutely no regard for anyone, and I can understand why, money drives people mad and sometimes the bad attitude of people is why we cannot remember how good they've been to us in the past. Death makes people vulnerable, the loss of my brother has made me vulnerable and this has opened me up to scrutiny, pressure, criticism, and insult. The type of family I came from was why I set out on a journey to be independent and extend that goodwill to others.
It's not bad to be broke, absolutely no shame, but the family I came from will berate you for every sign of failure or weakness you show. I understood this early in life and unfortunately, no member of my nuclear/immediate family understood this. This flaw was why I'm currently susceptible to the afterpain that I'm currently going through. In life, people can either raise you or bring you down, and sometimes having people who will always do the former is rare.
People with supportive friends and family are the luckiest in life
In life, there's a conditioning for acceptance, and sometimes, those people who are always accepting you are just there because of the value they're symbiotically extracting from you. The only way to know pain and rejection is to experience it. At this time in my life, I'm no longer sad at people who refuse to come through for me in my time of pain and tribulation, this is because people will be people. When you're coming from a toxic background, there's no way that toxicity will not reflect in the way you see people, believe, have faith, or trust in them.
However, I appreciate the pain
it's a testament to the extraterrestrial strength I have surprisingly mustered in some of my most toughest situations. However, in these past 10 days, I've lost the strength to believe in my capacity to conquer. The death of my brother has left me doubting my ability to recover from the slightest of confrontations. Maybe we need people to establish purpose and courage for sustainability and striving and I might have just lost this.
For all the doubt in my mind, I hope I can heal, because it doesn't look like it. I'm a mess when I'm vulnerable, and I hate being vulnerable. I have just confirmed that people are what strengthens us or makes us vulnerable, for me I have those who do the latter. As for my cousin, he's out there, hurt from what he's been told by my uncle, it's painful to have people who you cannot just fall back on, but people who will berate you for things you have no power to control.
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