In the past 10 days I have watched people like doctors, therapists, nurses, health analysts, and the like talk, and seeing them speak makes me wonder if they go through grief in life.
I have one theory: It's easier to profer solutions to others from a professional point of view and provided they'll pay for it. On the surface, the problem of people seems and looks the same, hence it's always easier to profess solutions because someone, somewhere must have passed through what the last client must've passed through.
However, it's always easy to underestimate the pain of people, especially when we've seen others who have gone through the same. We expect others to be strong because we know someone out there with the same experience and they were strong and overcame it.
Nevertheless, there are different conditioning to similar experiences, and sometimes when we look carefully we might just see diversity in sameness. A lot of my relatives have been very dismissive about the loss of my brother, ranting and waxing lyrical about moving on.
It's understandable.
It's not the loss of their son or immediate brother, but they do not understand this phenomenon is where I have a problem.
I'm probably weaker than some stronger people they know, and every time this comparison will always happen.
This is us
we're very comparative in nature. However, people don't understand how weak they are until they lose that which they dearly or intimately love forever. In life, I believe loss is inevitable, but if it's understandable, natural, and comes at almost the right time, then it's welcomed and excusable, however, the laws of the universe do not adhere to human sentiment.
I was on Quora some days ago, to read the stories of people who have had the kind of losses I've had, and I read the stories of people who completely lost everyone and they're the only survivor.
Apparently, I wasn't the only one who wanted to seek for ways to feel better. We're much more aligned when our experiences are almost the same, and I didn't feel better from reading those stories, rather they regurgitated memories that brought more tears to my eyes, but I did experience some moments of peace
and closure.
If I could pay to probably have such sessions with the specialists I mentioned above, then I would, but then, dwelling on that or wanting to pay to feel better, what is the end game? Won't that be going the extra mile? I know.
It's just that I feel I need a break and I just won't catch a break. In 14 months a lot has happened than it did in the last 8 years. Not having time to heal before another tragic thing happens takes its toll and maybe, just maybe this is why a lot has changed with me. To be very honest, I miss having the regular and mundane problems that come with life.
I've had money-making opportunities come to me the previous week, but I was too stuck in my grief to even find the energy to consider anything else. This is just to say I haven't been working.
Most of the time, that fleshly energy driven by the urge to take care of mortal responsibilities has taken a huge dent in my life.
Everything feels like futility now, while it's a dangerous feeling or path, it's just not going away. I checked my expenditure recently and it completely outweighs my income. It only proves that at this rate I'll go extremely broke in days or weeks. Maybe this is why I'm chasing this need to find healing, sameness, or closure.
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