I've officially flown back home to NJ a few days ago - and it's a bittersweet feeling.
In only a few weeks time, I leave for my next adventure, and start the next chapter of my life - I wasn't going to take this trip (which I was planning a few weeks before I received the news about my sisters suicide), especially after everything that's happened these past 7 weeks... but a few wise people told me I should still pursue my original plans and live my life.
...and then, a new crypto team that just hired me on as their validator systems admin just so happened to be headquartered exactly where I originally planned on going.
Coincidence? I think not.
Perhaps it's my sisters way of nudging me to look forward; not to remain in place, not allowing myself to become paralyzed by my own mind and doubts.
It was great to see everyone while I was home, despite being the absolute worst possible reason for coming home. I can't believe it's been nearly 2 months since my little sister passed away. The first 5 weeks, I spent nearly every second of every day focused on finding answers, putting together the puzzle pieces surrounding her death, while pushing aside my own grieving process, work, etc.
And I would absolutely do it again - for ANYONE in my life that I care about.
I've learned a lot in such a short span of time; the emotions surging through every fiber of my being; grief ripping through the air surrounding me, toying with the feelings, moods, and reactions everyone had towards one another. Death (and the subsequent grief felt) brings out a side of ourselves that we previously were unaware existed - it's completely uncharted territory.
I felt that because I didn't cry that much, that I was heartless. That I lacked empathy; hell, I thought maybe I even was a sociopath. It didn't feel normal; everyone around me seemed to experience a tremendous, crippling level of pain and terror; grief seemed to have the power to stop life for everyone - and 99/100 times, there I'd stand, dry-eyed and unsure of what to say, or how to react.
But now that I'm home, I realize that I simply shoved my own grief down into the depths of my soul - I focused on one thing, and one thing only - finding, as objectively as humanly possible, whatever shreds of truth I could possibly sniff out.
I'm satisfied with the amount of information I dug up; the pieces that we collectively put together. The things we learned that we previously didn't know. A lot of light was shed on info that previously was shrouded in darkness, perhaps never to see the day of light if not for the digging and chasing of every single possible "lead" that I conducted.
Do I still have many questions, probably most of which, if not all, will be left unanswered for the rest of my life? Absolutely.
Do I regret doing the things I did, the way I did? Absolutely not.
Even though my sister and I didn't talk as much these past few years, as we did growing up, she was still my baby sister. I'd do anything for her, to protect her, to help her, to make sure that I was there if she needed me - and sadly, even after she passed, to find out the truth, at all costs.
I'm sad that she didn't reach out like she promised me. A few months ago, she has promised to call me if she ever felt like things were spiraling out of control in her life - because she knew that I personally have been in that spot before. I know what that dark monster looks like. I've knocked on deaths door; and I know the horror of it, especially when you realize that it's not what you truly want, but it may be too late to go back...
...but, I can't dwell on that, I can't linger, lest I drive myself crazy for the rest of my life. All I can do was everything I did - and if any new info comes to light, you're damn right that I'll be there to continue where I left off.
Cherish your loved ones.
Life's too short to hold grudges, to distance yourselves, to not make amends, heal old wounds, and rebuild everything that may have been damaged in the past - it's NEVER too late.
I'm glad I got to be home for Thanksgiving - it's my favorite holiday. However, it was an incredibly difficult one without her sitting next to me at the table, without her to take our annual selfie with our little cousins - and my favorite holiday will never be the same without her.
I love you tons, kiddo - just know that we will see each other again, soon. Until then - enjoy your endless bowls of Velveeta Shells; just make sure you don't hog them all before we meet again! (she loved making a whole box and devouring it in one sitting; and then she'd ask us if we wanted some, just so she could make a second box, lmao).
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