The small map occupied a grand place on my room's wall. Nothing felt better than simply looking at it, at the bright red "X". I relished the thought that he had drawn it only for me, to tie me to that fixed point, to anchor my wandering ship.
I started the first chapter of "Homeland" one week later. The station strangely made a good place for reading. He will come someday, standing right in front of me, saying hi with his blue eyes, giving me a reason to stay. Yes, how dreamy and naive I was. A thousand pages turned, but he was nowhere to be found. I don't understand. A taste of despair. But I returned to our bench again the next day. It's only been one month. And I'm never short of books.
Before my 6 months passed, I caught myself putting the old valise in a corner and started using the wardrobe instead. I did not hold that Prince Charming dream of him anymore. But with my stubborn disposition, I refused to fail this test of patience. I'm not going anywhere till I find him. And most importantly, I had spent time studying some other places. None had such an assuring "X".
Eight months passed, and I met my husband. For the first time in 7 years, I decided to go on a date without worrying about the future, without having a new destination.
I texted my parents my permanent address after moving in with Daniel. For the first time I wanted to stay. How weird it all started with a stranger...
It rained the day before our wedding. Daniel is patiently sitting beside me. The uncrowded station felt serene.
"So, if he just appears out of the blue right now, will you run away with him?" Daniel asked, half joking.
I giggled, but then stopped in bewilderment, asking myself the same question. I had gotten so used to him never coming that the mere thought of the scenario Daniel mentioned actually scared me.
What if he comes?
"Well, I knew him for twenty minutes, I've known you for years, loved you for years, how can I leave?" I tried to gather my thoughts.
I love Daniel, I know it for sure. But why the blue eyes are still there, I can't explain. How can I make Daniel understand somthing which I'm still unable to understand myself.
"After all, he's just one of my fantasies... perhaps the biggest... but you're my real life. There should be no comparison, Danny," I struggled for words.
Daniel smiled sympathetically, noticing my confusion.
"It's ok, honey. I understand," he whispered, weaving his fingers into mine, "and I love you, too."
Days. Months. Years. Time flew by quickly with my little family beside. Life smoothly flowed like an idyllic river.
Yet, the stranger was still a knot I couldn't unravel.
I find myself stopping by our station time after time. Somehow, it became a tradition, whenever I don't know where I'm going, I know I'm going to the "X". It's my haven, and he's my fairytale. I will stop there and start pulling myself together. Then I will search for him in the passing crowd, just as a habit. He never comes.
Jen said it was silly. I'm missing a stranger. He will never come. He never misses me. So unfair. He is my final stop, while I'm just another passerby.
This one morning I woke up, missing him badly. Still so many questions, so many emotions left unexplained. I turned around quietly, to find Daniel's unruly hair fondling my cheek. There was some crying. Daniel sprang out of bed like a rocket.
"Don't, Lin, Daddy is coming!"
I chuckled and grabbed the feeding bottle. Mommy is coming too.
Daniel sang the odd lullaby we composed while I fed our little girl. If only he could see all of this, and I could at least tell him: "Yes, I'm staying."
That afternoon, I drove to the station. Just for another long wait. Can't you just please, come for once.
We welcomed Teddy not long after. Watching two lovely kids playing around, laughing, teasing their father was just sheer pleasure. An eternal fulfillment I'd been searching for so long. How weird...
...
Today too, he didn't come. Daniel said I could stay a bit longer. I still can't explain why I got so obsessed over him. Sometimes, I'm surprised by Daniel's patience with me, when I talk about this stranger from my past. But he lets me be free, it's like he's waiting for me to find an answer to a question I haven't even asked yet.
Why doesn't he come? Why do I still care?
Why does this stranger mean so much to me?
I look over to Daniel, and his ever present smile. The kids must be waiting. Maybe, it's time to go home...
And suddenly, I know exactly why.