This is not the kind of post I will putting on the Blockchain, however I just have to let it out, perhaps it might relieves me a little. I am not feeling well, and at the same time, I am completely broke.
This is not good to hear, but when you have no one reliable near you to share with, the virtual world becomes the next place to share your concerns.
I have been suffering from a back pain for a few months now and have been dealing with it by myself; one of those pains you have to endure as they really never make you stop. So you keep managing it with over-the-counter medicine, thinking it'll go away by itself. At times it even seems to have disappeared so I let myself think that things are normal again and I go back to my usual life without worrying that much about it.
But since two days ago, the pain came back with a more painful feeling that I can no bare, and it is no longer just in my back, it has spread across the left side of my body, into my chest, down my leg, and even my arm feels weak at sometimes. Sitting is uncomfortable, walking is painful, and there is no position that truly feels like relief.
At this point it is clear that I need proper medical diagnosis and treatment, not just like I have been managing it following over the counter prescriptions. I need visit the specialist hospital where I could undergo a scan to understand what is happening.
And that is where the second problem begins.
I am broke.
And that reality makes everything heavier than it should be.
It is one thing to be sick and know you can get help, it is another thing entirely to be sick and start calculating how to even afford the help you need. Your mind does not rest because while your body is in pain, your thoughts are moving from one option to another, trying to figure out a way forward.
You begin to ask yourself questions you should not be asking in that condition, like whether you can manage it a little longer, whether the pain will reduce on its own, whether you can delay seeing a doctor, and deep down you already know that delay is not the right decision.
And that's the point I am right now.
And I'm feeling the pain, but I'm also feeling the pressure of being broke.
This is a hard place to be in when your body needs you and your pocket is telling you "wait", but waiting is not always a good thing when your health is concerned. There are risks involved in waiting when it comes to health, and each movement that you make just reminds you that there is a problem, that something is not right, and that delay could also put you in danger.
It is one of the things about life that nobody really talks about because they would feel so awkward talking about it, and revealing that vulnerability about the situation when most people try to keep that a secret. There's no honor, or wisdom found in that at all, just a situation that puts you at odds with your own physical boundaries as well as your bank accounts all at the same time.
And all I'm trying to do now is to figure out a way to get what I need to get, and stop this condition from escalating. Because the risk of trying not to look for help has now been outweighed, and the risk of just wanting it to disappear is just not working anymore.
Because when the sickness meets brokenness, the pain is no longer just pain but pressure and need.