I do not feel that it is right to have to hide your emotions and experiences when you are with safe people but we all do it to varying extents and degrees, for a variety of reasons and mostly out of self preservation efforts. I grew up in a household where crying and showing your emotions admitted vulnerability and gave others power over you - it was considered showing people your weaknesses. It has take me a long, long time to try and undo this line of thinking and I often don't get it right, BUT I have to remind myself that I don't want to pass this kind of thing onto LL because I want her to feel safe with me and to be able to tell me what she is feeling and for us to find healthy ways to deal with her and my negative emotions, whatever they may be.
My sister asked me this morning "What is the main emotion that you are feeling that is making you cry? Is it despair, loneliness, sadness, helplessness, overwhelm?"
"It's shame. I feel like an absolute failure at times"
She was incredulous and didn't seem to understand why. I understand why and I've spent years trying to get over, past, around and through that, but it still surfaces from time to time. I am human and I feel everything deeply.
We chatted for a long while about the reasons behind this and while the medication that I am now on is making me feel absolutely awful physically and emotionally, I do know that it will pass.
About an hour later I was putting my laptop away when there was a big cafuffle and I heard confused voices and then my sister upstairs saying "CC please help come get AG" (the dog). I flew up the stairs faster than I ever have and scanned the lounge for what the commotion was. My sister standing over the dog pleading with him to not rub himself up against the couch.
Then the smell hit me and I knew exactly what was going on.
I grabbed AG the dog by what I thought was the collar but I missed, so I just scooped him up in my arms and carried him downstairs and out the front door to where CC was standing with the hosepipe and put AG down on the grass for a spray down.
Then I went and stripped down all my clothing which went straight to the washing machine. My sister gave me her dress as well and we added extra laundry detergent.
You see the dogs had just been taken for a walk and AG had come across some alcoholic hobo shit and decided it would be the most fantastic doggy cologne to wear back home and so he rolled in it.
There is no type of shit that smells worse than hobo poo, but in a time of crisis, I don't hesitate. I am quick on my feet when I need to be and I don't ooh and aah about what needs to be done, I just dig in and get it done. EVEN IF IT'S REALLY SHIT. LIKE LITERALLY.
So even though I felt like a monumental failure this morning, I at least haven't become so apathetic that I just stood by. It may be a shitty thing to be proud of, but it's something that nobody else was willing to do, so I stepped up. My instincts are still sharp and I still have a "will do-can do" attitude. Sometimes that's the kind of thing that you need to build on.
