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"If you have the ability to love, love yourself first" — Charles Bukowski
Yesterday, I was prompted to think about the upcoming weekend, and I realized it's been a while since I last planned ahead a couple of activities to make those 48 hours more interesting. Due to a lack of energy, or more over the reallocation of it into other, more pressing, matters, I just hadn't given much thought to the planning bit. I had a few vague ideas, of course, but I'd been sort of playing it by ear and letting plans come to me.
A term I tend to associate with weekends is self-care, a topic I enjoy writing about and have done so a couple of times in the past. Self-care is oftentimes thought of as cocooning ourselves from the world, looking inwards from a place of stillness and peace, and resorting to practices that give us comfort. But on some occasions, self-care means taking action, making a difficult yet necessary choice, or facing fear with our chin up and a smile.
This weekend, my self-care is all about that rare kind, and the outcomes will outweigh the possible strain I might experience at first. But of course, being mindful of my character, I already took into consideration the scheduling of a few stress-relieving checkpoints, as to minimize the potential negative impact. And since there are a few things I am indeed in control of, it's been decreed that my weekend shall have started on Friday morning, counting from the moment I opened my eyes.
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Today I woke up at 6:30 a.m., thanks to an alarm that should have been off. After dedicating no more than a second to imprecate and curse my luck, I did some cat-like stretchings and kicked the blankets away. Gently. Then, headed to the kitchen to prep something to eat: microwaved porridge. One of the few recipes I can handle while still being half-asleep. I would have thrown in some sliced banana but I didn't have any fruit on hand, so made do with adding just a teaspoon of peanut butter. Left it to cool a bit on the table, and went back to bed.
"Remind me to get some fruits and stuff tomorrow, please" I naively asked my drowsy brain. You see, fruits are a huge staple of my meals because they help manage cravings and emotional eating. Refined sugar and I have a bit of a toxic relationship; I know she's no good for me, but once I get a taste... It's just so very hard to stop. So I need to take some distance from it, remove it from sight, and replace the need with what would actually make me feel good. Fruit, that is.
Anyway, back to my tucked-in, somnolent self. I could have tried to fall asleep again, but I know myself well enough to be sure that it wouldn't set me up for the greatest start of the day. When I sleep during the day, I sleep hard. Hours on end. Precious minutes I could be investing into other activities I can't do during the night. Or shouldn't, to be more accurate. And to be honest, it would have taken me too long to fall asleep again because I was waiting for something. So I decided to just stay awake and made the concession to remain safely hidden under the coziness of my cocoon.
Well, I'll be honest with you and admit to having brought coffee with me to bed. There's something about that warm, jittery liquid... It's hard to feel sad or lonely when holding a cup of freshly-made coffee. Yes, I've been a bad girl, I know. But caffeine is one of those things I can't quit cold-turkey. I just love coffee so much. And with the right book to keep me company as I drink it... Heaven, they call it.
I read until 8 a.m., and I remember the exact time because my stomach started blaring all alarms. "Are we starving? Are we dying? Eat everything that falls under the eye!", it kept screaming. Reluctantly at first, I headed back into the kitchen and began to make what would be the complement of breakfast. I haven't mastered the chefs' cutting techniques just yet, so the last threads of sleepiness faded when I almost sliced the tip of my left thumb off. Just kidding! I was never in any real danger. Or was I?
A few minutes later, the meal was ready: spinach, onion, and tomato omelette. The colors of the prepped dish made my heart sing. How I love colorful meals! Grabbed the headphones, put on some music, and sat to eat whilst dancing a little. Just a little. Room-temperature porridge first, and then the omelet; those were the sacrifices required for my stomach to quieten down.
After eating, I did the dishes and then set up my workspace. I've been trying a few new things in that respect, to find what works best for me. Most of the time, at least. It seems that my schedule, and life in general, are quite sensitive to even slight changes and so it's been taking me longer to properly establish a base routine that provides a solid foundation for everything else. But I'm most certainly getting there, which makes me happy.
And then... My internet connection decided to take a break. So I played along and went on to do some chores around the house: handwashing some clothes (no running water at the moment, ugh), and sweeping the floors. Making the bed (why make the bed when I will mess it up later today?), and folding some laundry. Thinking about what to cook for lunch (can we skip this?). Checking if the internet connection's back. Bingo, it is.
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A few hours and a successful catch-up with work stuff later...
It's been an awesome Friday so far. I'm content, at peace (mostly), and with a level of awareness that is good enough to handle the emotions that ripple through my body, without either negating them or holding on to them longer than I should. There was a moment where I almost crashed head-first into the learned notion of not being good enough, and I laughed in the face of it, which made my shadow pout. She had been sitting in the corner, angrily looking at me. Why aren't you mad? she snarled, and I felt in me her need to rip off someone's skin. But I simply extended my hand in her direction, as an invitation to just dance it off. Which we did. I did, I mean.
I danced it off as I cooked, in all my sometimes clumsy sexilliness. Newly-coined term by yours truly. Lunch ended up being as yummy and nutritious as I had planned it to be; very much worth the time invested. Did a guided meditation as midday reset that left me smiling, and switched the background music to binaural beats again to tune back into work mode. You know, I'll not share the very personal challenges I'll be facing this weekend as part of my self-care, not today at least. Suffice to say that I planned, which means I wrote down a few realistic, attainable goals and did the corresponding breakdown into the specific steps I can and will take.
Tomorrow I'll devote my morning to exerting physical effort, sweating for the sake of my soul, and breathing. Deeply. I'll also take some time during the day to write my WE93 entry, and to watch a movie too, all snacked-up and relaxed. There are things planned ahead, something to look forward to, and enough room for the beauty of the unexpected to blossom as well. I look back and then look forward, and I already know I'm taking care of myself and will continue to do so, no matter what. Ups and downs considered and all. A certainty I wouldn't trade for anything.
And so I let that certainty cradle me and gently turn my attention to the present moment. Not to the past, not to the future, but to this very second/minute I am living; one free of both expectations and disappointments because it's being lived as I type. Right now, there's nothing but this moment and the opportunity it brings. To smile. To breathe. To love.
Happy weekend, y'all. Be well, stay safe, and see you around!
Sources of the images:
📷 by Sergey Shmidt
📷 by Annie Spratt
📷 by nemoelguedes
📷 by Mikey Harris
I'd like to thank you for reading this. I hope my words resonated with you in some way. If they did, or even if they didn't, I'd like to further connect with you, so I invite you to drop a comment and I'll answer it as soon as I can.