A kind of Balrog.

I dissociate from myself, take a step back, looking at me and her arguing, surprised. See myself indulging in being mean, in hurting her, because it's easy, she doesn't stand a chance, sometimes not even understands. She, too, is trying so hard to hurt me, but I've taken that power away from her. I've won. But I'm a bad winner. In the moment of triumph I let my ego take over, I loosen the reigns and it seeks revenge for all the hardship that she has caused me, all the agony, all those moments of suffocation when the pain clenches the heart with so much force that the throat fills with vomit that can't be spewed. She's not innocent, oh no, she's getting off easy, but I am not the judge, I am not. And yet, I can finally spew, free my throat, breath, and I can't contain my self. Words so sharp they cut my lips as I speak them. Calmly, calculated, cruel. Cruel because it's not necessary. It's a pleasure, a rush of dopamine for finally losing another shackle after long, abusive slavery, shaking it off my ankle, freeing my foot - and I use it for violence? To kick the one already on the ground, biting and scratching, yes, but beaten? Didn't I learn anything? Why don't I take a step back, or step above her, leave the ring?

It's not anger that drives me, it's worse. It's a sadistic pleasure, a psychopath torturing, revenge; revenge. All the progress I made, all the good I found, spun in a second and used for the opposite. I found the power to free myself, but in that moment, I did not wield it responsibly, I did not proof myself worthy of it. Sadness conquers my soul as I look at myself. Nobody else would judge me. It's understandable, warranted even. But even after years of having my heart carved out daily, I must not plug a feather of the eagle feeding off me. It cannot harm me anymore, it can try, but it will starve. I must not harm it. Nobody would judge me, so I have to judge myself. I have to be better.

One - Not causing any pain that is not necessary.
Two - Contemplate information from a position of strength, avoid judgement and act with caution and patience.
Three - Be conscious of my strength at any time to not allow it to turn destructive.

I've come a long way in 2025. But it's in crisis when we measure our progress. The genius of a hole - no matter how long it takes you to climb up, you can still fall down in an instant. How deep we fall makes all the difference. Were we able to elevate rock bottom?

Though the description above does not tell it - that reaction reflects, despite all the negative, a huge progress. Considering the amount of hostility, lies and manipulation I was exposed to the minutes before reacting, I managed it very well. And I did not fall into crisis afterwards. I did not give in.

But though I sought the progress to shield myself, I simultaneously forged a weapon. The strength I found is not exclusively usable protect myself and those I care about. The insights, the knowledge, the understanding - I found something dark in the depths of myself, the depths of Moria, so to speak. All that what I found can be used against others, too. And easily. I did not expect that. It wasn't the purpose.

I remember narrating that scene to friends of mine. I talked about the part that disturbed me, too, about what I did wrong. They all understood. Nobody really criticized me - but me. The further we advance, the fewer are left to judge us. That is the art of it - holding myself responsible when nobody else would.

I'll be aware of that in 2026.