Hi my name is 
It's not like the films such as I am Legend and the Brad Pitt one World War Z. Zombies don't really have any leaders or tougher zombies that can order them around. They are as thick as two planks and to get eaten by one of them, you would have to be a bit brain dead yourself as well. I watched that called the Walking Dead and they are all a bunch of little drama queens walking around. They walk into trouble. The trick is to just live somewhere secluded. That way a mob of zombies aren't just going to walk up to your house and knock on the door. They can bearly walk, let alone walk over a cattle grid in rural Ireland.
Now granted they have wiped out 90% of the population but people are idiots at the best of times. My town in Ireland is pretty sparsely populated so I am away from the carnage in the cities. In a way my quality of life has gotten better which is a bit mad to say. I was pretty nifty enough when shit started to hit the fan and my good planning has paid dividends now. I was never really a people person and thankfully nobody would marry me so I don't have kids.
I commandeered a Land Rover Discovery En Vogue EV which would set you back €150,000 in old money. With this I broke into the local army barracks and took as many rifles and ammo as I could get into the 4x4. From there I moved up to a large modern house in the mountains nearby. The previous owners decided not to stay around so I just buried them out back under a nice oak tree. They even their dog which I found a bit strange. Maybe they didn't want Raffles disturbing their bodies when he started getting hungry. Some people eh
Not many people live up here so once I blew the zombie natives heads off there was pretty much only me for miles and miles with a great view of the town and the landscape around it.
A couple of times a month I go shopping. The deer population has trebled up here since the apocalypse as zombies diet on human brains and not so much animals so I basically have fillet venison steak every night for dinner with a nice glass of Merlot from the local off license. Once I shot the head off the off-license owner zombie Mary, I pretty much had the place to myself. I have enough wine and beer to last me a decade. And wine and whiskey gets better with age I am told. So I normally I head to the shops, knock down a few zombies on my travels with the 4x4. It's amazing the amount of damage a set of bull bars on a 4 x 4 can do. When I get to the shops I stack up on pepper sauce, bearnaise sauce some tins of beans to have with my deer steak and a couple of things if they are still in date. This is becoming harder and harder as the months go on so I will end up just having deer but there are 40 acres around me that I am growing some vegetables so the potato's are a great accompaniment to the steaks.
I rounded up and adopted some of the towns dogs and fed them the left over deer which they love. Now I have a loyal following of hounds of all shapes and sizes. They are also a great alarm system. If a zombie does manage to walk up this mountain and approach they get set upon by around 50 dogs before they even come close to me which is great. I am like Doctor Doolittle walking up the fields with my pack in toe.
I sleep in a room with no windows and I lock the door. Unlike Raptors , zombies cannot unlock doors because they are so stupid so I am safe while I sleep. I did install a peep hole in the door in case I get a surprise.
I sometimes go into town to blow the heads off a few locals that crossed me back in the day. In theory I am ending their eternal misery but nothing beats blowing the head off a guy you didn't like before all this went down. So I do a zombie kill list every week of anyone that slighted me in the past.
Zombie Kill List Last Week
Jim the Mechanic (Overcharged me one time the bastard)
Maureen the Librarian (Fined me when I took the library books back late
Anthony the bank manager who refused to give me a car loan
Uncle Seamus who used to be a bit too frisky back in the day
Brian the insurance broker that robbed me blind when I was a young male driver under the age of 21.
Rory the shopkeeper who rang the police when he caught me robbing a bag of Malteesers when I was 8
Johnny in the Funeral Home who done my mothers up like a $10 prostitute with the purple eye shadow and pink lipstick
I do have a prime list of targets as well.
Primary Kill List
- Father Liam who used to do those boring sermons at mass and knows my secrets from confession.
- Audrey O Brien who wouldn't go on a date with me in Highschool.
- Frank the school bully who made a poo and a wee (combo) on my desk at school.
- Auntie Margaret who stopped talking to the mother after my mother got the house in Grandma's will.
- The ex who ran away with William Bergin.
- William Bergin (see above)
- Brigid Muldowney who claimed off my insurance and had the neck brace removed as soon as the claim came through
The big problem I am having is not the bloody zombies. It's the humans. I went to kill zombie Father Liam (see Kill List) and the boring bastard was still a human. Also Rory the Shopkeeper ( See above) must have me on his zombie kill list because he shot at me while I was doing the shopping the other day. The jokes on him because I don't have to pay for groceries anymore. I just walk in to the supermarket and take what I want.
There is a homeless guy we call Jerry the Junkie who always catches me off guard. Jerry who has been high on heroin every day for the last decade looks like a zombie, talks like a zombie but is still not a zombie. The zombies actually think Jerry is one of them so don't kill him off. It's ridiculous. So Jerry always frightens me when I see him approach. He is still looking for spare change off me to score heroin even though he can just break into a house and take change. But there is also no heroin dealers around anymore so Jerry is awfully confused at the moment around who to give the spare change to. It's awfully sad. Here he is the last day chasing after me, the knobhead. I probably will end up blowing his head off as well.
https://twitter.com/ImJokedTfOut/status/1602136353726427137?s=20&t=z3y1Inqg14gVLl8NU3K85Q
- ImJokedTfOut
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So I have my house secured, the guard dogs, the posh land rover, my 40 acres and a tractor. I have the wines the fillet steaks and I scored myself some solar panels last week from a local factory. Now I can listen to music and charge the Land Rover. I really have the life of Riley. The zombies are just a mild irritancy in what is now a very fruitful existence. I would have never owned a farm or a range rover. I would have been on the dole with no prospects. Now I am the towns most eligible bachelor . I am in the market for a wife however as I think I have everything set up now to settle down but it is hard to trust anyone these days. If I have a wife then she has a family and then all of a sudden I am farming for 10 and then she might want the Land Rover. No way Jose .
Maybe it is best to keep going the way I am going. Less trouble that way. Now if you will excuse me I am off to kill bambi and have a nice relaxing night on the beer. Good day to you.