Yep I could bleat on my weekend away in the Algarve where the sea glistens in the sun and everything is perfect. But that would be boring so I would rather talk about a weekend away to a place that is bleaker than most places, Mansfield UK.
My cousin Trevor rang. Trevor was like the Hulk Hogan of the family. He would only ring you on special events such as weddings and funerals. But he was great craic. He works at the airport and could talk to anyone. He told people he was a helicopter pilot. He would also tell people I was a pro tennis player but that's another story. Trevor once got a pilot to get his air hostesses to escort me off a plane and pretend it a drug bust. He is a bit of a mad bastard.
"I am going to Mansfield UK to visit the mad cousins. You coming?"
"Well if you put it like that why the hell not!" I replied.
The Mansfield cousins in the UK were notorious in our family. They were all ex miners and had a bit of grit about them. They were tough and direct. Northerners that loved to drink, have a laugh and say "ey up duck" every 5 minutes. We would visit them every 5 years and it would always end in massive drinking session. I loved going over to the workmens clubs and meeting the cousins especially the ones that were around the same age. They would bring us to the Stags which is their local football team Mansfield that played in the lower divisions in the UK and then back to the pub for the evening / night.
"Mad Tommy is bringing us to the match this weekend" said Trevor.
"Oh shit, really?? Is he not a loop da loop"
"He is but he's offering so feck it."
Mad Tommy was the most notorious of the notorious. He was a lovely lad and trouble just followed him everywhere he went. We heard he went "away" for a little while but the news did not travel over to Ireland so we didn't know if he went to Ibiza or actual prison.
We hit down in Mansfield on the Friday night and had a few drinks meeting the family. We kept things quiet because "Our Tom" had a big day planned for us the next day. Get up early, go into town have a few drinks, go to the match. Have a few drinks at the match, get something to eat. Have another few drinks during the meal and then have a load of drinks after the meal. The world was our oyster. Those of you on Hive may be surprised by this but this is an Irish mans idea of heaven.
We met mad Tommy on Saturday morning and he couldn't have been nicer. I text my sister who insisted I let her know what type of geezer Tommy was.
"This guy is the nicest most welcoming guy ever,"
I don't know why people think he is mad as a hatter. He's a pussycat. The Brits are just dramatic. He would be boring in Ireland."
Rumour had a that mad Tom had a Pinocchio tattoo just over his dick so one could imagine what his nose was. I didn't think it was the right time to ask him as he was being all meek with the relatives from Ireland.
We had a nice amount of drink before and during the match and the 4 of us were getting rather tipsy by that evening. Mansfield were playing Torquay and they won so all was well in the stags.
Spirits started being introduced and things started escalating quickly. Mad Tommy finally started coming out of his shell a little. He started showing everyone his dad bod and he was pretty proud of his new found lack of fitness and beer belly.. There was one such photo where a family member took and myself Trevor, mad Thomas were in a picture. There was a lady in it too but I do not know who she is. But it pretty much summed up our night of just general mayhem.
I love this photo. The mad cousin showing off his belly. I am hiding behind him pinching his armpit absolutely baulubas. My cousin Trev has a bottle over our heads and some randomer is giving someone the two fingers looking angry. Shortly after this photo was taken Tommy decided to take off all his clothes and run naked around the pub. I finally got a glimpse of his Pinocchio tattoo and I can confirm he wasn't lying. It didn't grow longer though thank god. The bar staff called security and Tommy was suddenly being escorted out of the pub. He did put up a good fight with the security and they subsequently called the police. Fighting a naked man was not their idea of fun. My other cousins looked on like this was just a normal night out with Tommy rolling their eyes and just turning around pretending he wasn't ours. They did not bat an eyelid that young Tommy was being escorted naked out of the pub. I was laughing my head off at the sight of my fairly quiet cousin being chased naked around the dancefloor. This guy was not saying a word a couple of hours ago. Now look at him go.
The next day we were due to fly back home and we got news Tommy spent the night in the police cell. He came around to see us with a black eye that one of the bouncers had given him. He was all quiet again and wished us the best of luck and a safe journey.
"Thanks very much Pinoccio," laughed Trevor
"We will be back in a month!!"
"Some craic."