Reading Galenkp Weekly Engagement post, I was triggered by the fifth and last topic: "Awkward silence, or talking too much...do you do one or the other or know someone who does? Explain."
From time to time I experience silences in conversations, but rarely they feel really awkward. At least, I don't feel the awkwardness. Reason for this is silences usually happens when I am with others for a longer period of time. Mostly these are friends I feel comfortable with, like family. When we are at each others homes, or together in public, we can't have - or better said: should have - fullon conversations without taking a vocal rest to either explore our minds, or simply try and enjoy the moment, in silence. With some of my friends we rarely have such quiet moments because the other party is the one telling experiences, stories and whatnot all the time. Sometimes I find it very refreshing I just have to listen, espacially when whatever is being brought forward through sounds is interesting. Needless to say - or perhaps useful to say - is that I like almost any topic. If someone ask me what my passion is, most of the time I say something to the lines of: "Absorb and try and understand anything and everything in and outside our world, our universe, and everything in it."
I don't think any of my friends think I talk too much. Though recently my best friend told the mom of her sons mate at school, Edje has his quiet moments as well. This happened after I was in deep conversation with her for at least two hours, without interuptions, while we were hanging out in a local Techno club. A good friend was playing. Half hearing the deep and melodic techno sounds, our conversation went from 'what music we like', 'why festivals are great', to 'how corporate executives react positively on breathing therapies' and 'the reason why we are on planet earth'. We even got reaction from total strangers asking us: "How long do you know each other?", "Shouldn't you be somewhere else?" and "You guys don't want to dance?" Sometimes I can talk a lot, or at least, have long conversations. I still think, the amount of time both parties are vocal, is balanced. Meaning, it isn't me doing all the talking.
but but but ... at Work I seem to talk too much!
Since a few years I receive the feedback from my newest manager, I talk too much. Not that he thinks this is the case, but others tell him. Apparently my direct colleagues in the team think this. But also others I work with in projects. Even my managers manager thinks so as well, though I rarely talked with him. However the few convo's we had, and the few emails I send him addressing my take on some sales opportunity - different to what was going to be decided for. I suppose, when multiple people think this is the case, they shall be correct. Therefore I try and de-learn how I go about convo's at work. Not easy thoough.
Good to know: The organisation I work at, is very hierarchical. Communication flows one level up, and one level down. At lowest level - the soldiers level - communication can only flow one direction, one level up.
Why not easy? Well, most of the time I talk, I try to not only convince people to consider a different approach to whatever is the topic, but at the same time I add arguments for my view as well as arguments against other possible views. To substantiate these arguments, I add examples. Sometimes these examples cases are known by - some of the - people, sometimes they are not. I believe, in this way I can bring across my views, but also enable my convo parties to properly rethink their position and at the same time allow them to bring my and or other views they may have to other people - their managers and co-workers. More details in this, drives more thoughtful debates. More thoughtful debates drives better decisions. At least that is my conviction. However, when people think I talk too much, this may cause them not to listen - carefully - anymore which may result in deafman ears and with that wasted energy on my part. I know that! But it is darn difficult for me to start talking in bullet points and one or two lined conclusions. Having said that, I am full on this process of learing to reduce the amount of words I use.
Also, I try and learn to let others speak first. Only add my contribitions more or less at the end of a convo. Again, very difficult for me for various reasons. For instance, I generally know what arguments will be used by others since I know most of these people. Most use the most common used arguments we hear already for a longer time, ie they may not even think about the topic at hand, but just push a view and associated arguments forward they copied from others. Something that happens much more often than one would expect. I have the tendancy to jump in, perhaps even while the other(s) didn't finish their contribution. Of course, very annoying for the others. I know. But I feel annoyed when discussions stay one sided, unsubstantiated, without much well thought statements and conclusions. But still, I know, I shall better my style and how I go about in convo's and discussions with my colleagues and managers. Since this is deep in my work role character - yes, this is a role I believe since it isn't how I behave in private life - it'll take much effort and time to change this for the better for others and with that for myself.
image: a moment I was quiet and enjoying the moment
Interestingly, everybody seems to praise the content I bring forward. Nobody ever said, I talk bullshit. They essentially tell my manager whatever Edje says, makes (much) sense. Some even notice I carefully think through many topics we deal with in our company, with our customers and prospects - mostly using the 360 degree view - trying to stay as objective as possible. At least something I get recognised for in a positive way. Not that I take much time in most of these thought processes. Much of it is gut feeling. Arguments to substantiate my gut feel isn't difficult for me. I suppose, working in the tech industry for over 30 years, much of what we have to deal with, we've experienced many times already.
Last week I got quite upset when I told my manager I was pissed of in the way we are managing the customer for which we are in an IT solution deployment project already for more than a year. A recent event led me to this feeling. Three months ago, our customer decided to send a letter to our board of director (about 6 levels up from where I am in the organisation). A few topics they brought forward, in very generic terms, without any details. Two most important ones: 'Managed Services' is not delivered. 'Monitoring' is not in place. More than two months nobody was able to define what they meant with these statements. At two management levels, steering committees are held. One each week, the other one (at the level just below our board of directors) bi-weekly. None of them did something other then push the topics to the other party. No progress. Then, three weeks ago I was invited by the customer in a so called contract review session. Six where held already. Also no progress there. The customer invited me, while my colleagues (account manager, service manager, program manager) wasn't made aware, but they said they were ok with me being present. First 15 minutes of the meeting was same BS again. Both parties pushing the topcis to the other one, without anybody thinking logically, without any thoughts on how to progress. As the solution architect I knew the truth behind this 'managed services' and 'monitoring' topic. Before I knew I proposed to create a detailed RACI - in laymen terms, a responsibility matrix. I knew it'll cost me a few days of my time to create this, but I also knew that out of the 500+ line items I ended up creating, less than five of them caused the customer headache. After I agreed solutions for those headache line items with the business architect of our customer, last Tuesday in less than half an hour I agreed all this with our customers IT manager. Last Friday the board of directors on both side agreed as well.
A few days of work and the two most important topics in the letter to our board of directors could've be prevented. But even after we received the letter, we could've gotten out of all this within a few weeks.
You know what made me even more pissed? When my manager told me that he thinks nobody asked my help in resolving the issues at hand, because I talk to much. At this stage him or me don't know if that is the real reason. Perhaps all these people are incompetent. I am not sure what I'll do coming work week. If I let everything be and continue with whatever needs to be done, or I'll investigate for the truth, an in my honest opinion, major fuckup in handling the escalation towards the top of my company - not really my company, but the company I work for 😉
Must say, though my manager pissed me off with what he said to me, he is perhaps the best manager I ever had in my entire work carreer. He let me do whatever I want. He trusts me for the 100%. He defends me to anyone. But ok, still, sometimes such a person can still piss me off 😱
More than 1600 words... Perhaps you will tell me I 'talk' too much as well. Hit me up! I can take it 😆
all images by edje unless stated otherwise