Solitary decay

I hadn't spoken out loud for weeks; the thought of talking to myself felt strange and the phrase, talking to yourself is the fist sign of madness, always came to mind. Maybe it was, or maybe answering back was the true indicator of madness. I didn't know, and so I remained silent although I'll concede that having someone to talk to, other than myself, seemed appealing, but there was no one else. I was alone. Besides, I was too busy to talk anyway. Staying alive took up a lot of time.

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Before

I'd awoken that morning and knew something was different. The sun shined, birds sang, I had electricity, water flowed from taps but...I could hear nothing, no human sounds.

I pushed it aside and went about my day but soon realised something was really wrong. I saw no one, no cars driving, people waiting at bus stops, walking dogs, jogging...Nothing. The roads were strewn with cars, some stationary at traffic lights, some crashed to the side or with each other, half turning corners and I even passed a gas station where a car sat with fuel pouring from the pump-nozzle inside the fuel-filler and onto the ground...But no people. It was like they had simply vanished.

I'd proceeded, working my car around the others on the road. I was confused but gathered my thoughts and instead of going to work drove to the local police station...it was empty. Went to the air force base close by. No one.

I made some calls on my mobile phone but no one answered. I called overseas in different countries to a few I knew would be awake but nothing. After about a half hour I gave up. I returned home and grabbed more appropriate gear: Day bag, tactical vest, handheld walkie talkie, binoculars and the like. I strapped on a handgun and grabbed one of my rifles then went back out. Part of me questioned the need for the firearms but, I'd rather be prepared, I thought.

I was out all day and covered the entire city and surrounds. I found no one moving about, hospitals and nursing homes empty, shops and schools empty and more signs that people had just vanished mid-task. Half-eaten breakfasts, car doors open, garden hoses running, crashed cars, open doors...It seemed to me that between one second and the next people just disappeared.

Moving forward

Eventually the power went out; it hadn't taken long. With no one running power plants they ceased to produce electricity. Running water lasted a little longer due to residual pressure in pipework and the fact no one was using any, but it too failed. Life became harder. There was no easy way to do anything: No refrigeration, no electricity or gas flow for cooking, water storage became a priority as did food collection. I'd worked out a schedule for my days and weeks and worked like clockwork from sunup to so sundown. I worked to survive and the work helped me occupy my mind away from the people I'd lost - My loved ones.

I'd make trips to the supermarkets for supplies selecting items with the nearest expiry dates first. I devised water storage techniques and collected water purifying devices and chemicals for the future.

Early on I'd spend whole days pumping fuel out of service station pumps for use down the track knowing the power would go out. I'm glad I did that as I'm still mobile now. I gathered electrical components and batteries and worked to devise solar collector systems so I had power moving forward. This was difficult for me as I'd had little experience with electrical systems but a trip to the library helped and I managed to rig up a reasonable system that delivers power. Of course, I gathered diesel-powered generators to get me through initially and that gained me the ability to run a fridge at home. It hadn't taken long to get things a little organised and to work around the challenges.

I was always busy and I'd often think back to my life before and how busy I thought I was back then. I had so much to do but it was nothing compared to now. So much rested on my actions and decisions; my life depended on it.

Later

I wasn't coping well. I missed people. It was an odd thought to have considering I'd lived my life before largely avoiding them where possible. I missed my loved ones, my girl. I've not spoken much about them more and more. I missed anyone in truth. I'd attempted to find people but there was never a response. I'd scoured the city and greater metropolitan area quite early and since ranged out deep into the countryside and never found a soul. When the internet and phone communications went out after a few days I ceased ceased trying.

I tried to do smart things but it was difficult to know what they were. I'd always been a prepared person and had skills but sometimes I wondered whether what I did was clever, showed foresight or was just plain stupid. Everything was different now and what made sense before often made none now.

Early on I thought I'd show compassion so entered houses and let dogs and cats out so they wouldn't die from not being fed in their yards. I did the same at the zoo letting all the animals out. Most died as they were not suited to the location and were not cared for by keepers. Some lived and I see them from time to time. The dogs I released fought with each other over food and now only the strongest of them survive and I don't go anywhere unarmed after having been attacked once. I wonder if it would have been best to leave them all locked up to die.

I thought about leaving the city but discarded the idea as I have all I need to survive here. I've created a castle of sorts combining my home with the neighbours having taken fences out between the properties. I use several yards for vegetable gardens and the houses themselves as warehouses for my ever expanding stockpile of everything and I have a comfortable existence. If I moved now I'd have to start from scratch. Besides I enjoy my trips into the city for supplies, to go to the library and all and when I go on country trips it's like a holiday.

Decay

I've watched everything around me crumble and decay.

The planet is slowly erasing humankind and it's been fascinating to watch the progress. I remember reading a book called, The world without us by Alan Weisman, several years ago. In it he applies science to describe what would happen if humans ceased to exist from one second to the next and how long it would take the planet to erase us and go back to normal. I didn't know it at the time that I'd be living it myself.

Plants push up and destroy roads, and pavements, domestic gardens become jungles, or die completely, the animals come back, the air is clear of smog and haze, buildings fall apart, metal rusts and is reclaimed...Everything decays - and if I'm honest it's happening to me also.

I'm in peak physical condition although I have a persistent toothache that pains me. I'm self-medicating with pills from a pharmacy but it's not helping the problem, just masking the pain. My body is hard though, tanned as clothing is optional when there's no one else around, and I'm very fit...But, I'm not really ok at all.

I talk to myself a lot and lately I've been answering. Out loud. I know I'm doing it and that it's not healthy but I can't seem to stop.

Should I do this or that, I'd say out loud whilst pondering a dilemma, problem or choice, then find myself responding with the answers or possible solutions. I laughed the first time recalling the self-arguments Gollum from Lord of the Rings would have with himself but I'm not laughing anymore. Well, maybe one of me is but I'm not sure which one of me it is.

I don't really know who I am anymore.

Argument

Why don't you just do it. The voice was familiar; it was my own. I didn't know how it knew everything, my inner thoughts, fears, desires...it even knew this.

It's not my way, I answered emphatically but rather unconvincingly I guess.

Ha! Well why do you have that gun to your head, the voice challenged.

I lowered my arm and saw the Sig Sauer P226 in my hand wondering how it got there.

I...I don't know, I stammered. I'm...lonely and afraid.

End it. No one is coming back, it's been years. It's just you for the rest of time and look at you, talking to yourself, so set in your ways, following the same routine every day...Your piteous crying at night - I can't stand it. End it. The voice, my voice, was brutal.

It's not my way, but it sounded hollow as soon as I said it.

What do you have to live for? What is life? You call toiling away all day life? You call those hours you spend looking at photos of her life? She's gone, who knows where. They all are. Take that gun and blow your brains out, it's the only way.

It...it doesn't seem right. All the effort I've gone to...it...My voice trailed off as I struggled for the words. Maybe I am the last but it doesn't feel right to leave like this, so abruptly. The remnants of humankind decay around me and me, the last human, decays also. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be...The final decline of humans, the last slow fall into oblivion. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be and I'm the one who has to witness it to the end.

But that gun in your hand, my other voice pointed out.

I looked at it once more and realised the voice, myself, had made a good point. A simple pull of the trigger and it would be over.

I remember thinking about doing it a few years ago. I'd been looking at that picture of my girl and...I didn't want to be here without her anymore. But there was something in her eyes that stayed my hand; they reminded me of what she'd said once, about me being strong, resolute and steadfast, that she loved my persistence and tenacity and the way I faced adversity and never compromised - She said she felt safe because of it.

I'm staying. I said it with conviction and felt something move inside myself, a ripple or maybe shockwave describes it better. It's like my statement hit home. I waited for my own retort. Silence.

I unloaded the gun and stood...There was work to do...and it seemed I'd remain...for another day at least.

[Fiction]

This post is in response to topic two of the #weekend-engagement (WE86) topic post.