I don't think I've ever had a problem with New Year's Eve until now, but like everything that pushes me to the limit in my life, it's not something that came out of nowhere. It's a feeling that has been building up with every bad experience and every word left unsaid. It's so bad that I've been feeling nostalgic for several days, comparing what has always been one of the best nights of the year for me with a night that's coming up in a few days and threatens to be just another date, without stories, without extra excitement, and without anything to celebrate.
It's sad that my return to Weekend Experience is filled with negative feelings, but that's how I've felt all month, after such an excellent year. I think what hurts and what destroyed me was precisely knowing that December was coming, the traditions, and that fake joy that so many people put on like a costume, I don't know why. I always feel good at Christmas and I'm authentic, but this year hasn't been the case, and I've chosen to stay away from my phone and stay home doing things for myself, but I don't want to infect others with the bad vibes I'm carrying around.
What's changed? Well, it seems like everything... These changes began with Dad's death; that alone was reason enough for us to never have a normal New Year's Eve again. But what I didn't know was that after so much time, that situation would cause so much pain to the rest of the family. Yes, I was very sad; for me, nothing was ever the same again. But the sense of family, the festive spirit, and the positivity never left me. However, I'm still hurting, and after three years of holding everything and everyone together, it's finally happened: I'm tired. I'm exhausted from being the family's Christmas cheerleader. I no longer want to be the magic for others. Right now, I need to be surprised and pampered. This New Year's Eve, I'm not in the mood to be a superhero...
It seems like I'm the only one who's made progress, which is fine because everyone has their own pace and goes through different processes, but how long should I keep hurting myself by supporting people who don't want to move forward? People who have chosen to wallow in sadness and have resigned themselves to their reality, without trying to make any changes to improve their lives? What's the point of getting together the last week of the year if not to share special moments? If you're not willing to make New Year's Eve special, then it's better for everyone to experience it on their own. I'm truly fed up with the "blood ties" excuse, the idea that because we're family we have to get together and put up with everyone else's bad vibes, and I'm writing this as someone who has a strong sense of family love.
December after December, life has been slowly chipping away at my soul since 2022, and yes, I know this will only be the fourth consecutive December, but believe me, it's enough to have reached my limit. We're not a big family; it should be easy to maintain unity, but no, my brother lives as if he had five or six more siblings—a luxury some people can afford, pretending to be clueless all December because, in the end, someone at home will do their job. And my mom... Well, I won't write about her; I respect her too much, even though she's the person who has hurt me the most these past few days. I'm not saying they don't have their reasons for acting this way, but I can no longer deal with people who don't even make the slightest effort.
I never thought this would be my situation, especially after losing my dad. That loss instilled in me a deeper appreciation for family and the time we spend together. But what are the others doing? Why can't they have healthy conversations? Why, if they're upset about something, do I not see them until the next day? Yes, they want to be sad and bitter, I can understand that, but not when they're the ones inviting me to stay over... I've come to understand a lot of things this December, and it's sad what I've concluded, but I'll become the problem if I keep allowing this in my life. I don't know if it's permanent, but at least this December I don't care about New Year's Eve. It's just another day, but with the added annoyance of the neighbors' noise and the fireworks.
