Attempting suicide is one thing, living with yourself after a failed attempt is another thing, living with others who watched you attempt it is the worse. Thinking about the worst weekend I've ever had, I think I remember how I felt after my failed suicide attempt. I began to understand the slogan “what's worth doing is worth doing well” during that period because the truth is that I didn't really know how to live with myself. I really wished I succeeded because then I guess I wouldn't be thinking about the next day, I mean that was the whole point of wanting to die in the first place. But then after my plan failed it became hard to look at myself talkless of my loved ones. I knew something was already broken in me and no one could help me fix it and I wasn't even ready to try to fix it.
Little by little I began I had to start learning how to be confident again, but that wasn't after the weekend after I attempted suicide. First and foremost no one wanted to leave the house. They probably felt I was going to run away or something. They didn't know I was listening on them when they argued about who to watch me. I felt like a criminal at some point. I had decided to take a walk that day (like I usually do on weekends) and before I knew it, everyone was looking for me out on the street calling my friends to ask for my whereabouts. They already assumed the worst had happened and when they finally saw me no one said a thing as though I would break on the slightest word.
I felt horrible because living meant I had to showy loved ones that I am not as broken as they thought. I was only lost for a moment, I am not mentally disordered so there was no need to treat me with fear. But then I made them feel so, took away the joy in my home with my actions and had to find a way to recover it. I hated people looking at me with pity, and for that reason I knew I had to fix myself. I'm at a better place now, but looking back as that day, it was a weekend I wished never came at all because my house looked like a grave yard we with people coming in for consolation which I didn't need.
