Good evening, blog friends, here I am again participating in this weekend's initiative. I've chosen this topic:
Have you ever been your worst self? Explain what happened, why and how you've sought to improve yourself.
Have I been at my worst? Let me start by saying that, suffering from depression, anxiety, and borderline personality traits, I've felt at my worst for several years. But those around me and my therapist don't agree with me, so even though it's a bit triggering, I'll try to tell you about my worst period. Obviously, it coincided with the onset of depression, or rather, shortly afterward. I've always suffered from intermittent panic attacks and hypochondria, but the depression came later, or if it was there before, it was latent. When I realized I was feeling bad, it took me a while to admit it, but I'd lost interest in everything. I was sad, but not a common sadness, a sadness that permeated my entire day. I couldn't see the future or the present, and I blamed myself for the past. I had bad thoughts, anxiety, pain, a dark whirlwind. I asked for help, but I was entrusting myself to the wrong professional. But I was already in decline, at my worst. I briefly considered posting photos from that period here, but luckily I've deleted them all. In short, I wasn't feeling well, I felt like I was going mad with grief.
I first sought help from a psychologist, but it wasn't enough, and then from a psychiatrist, and that's when the collapse occurred. This great expert (who I later discovered had harmed several patients) literally filled me with psychotropic drugs (and mind you, I'm not against psychotropic drugs, in fact, when I changed psychiatric therapists and treatments, I felt better), like 12 pills a day, so much so that when I changed psychiatrists, he struggled to get me to taper them all. He also got the wrong diagnosis, and during that period, I literally collapsed, I wasn't myself anymore, I was like in a bubble all the time, and not only that. I, who am of a calm and quiet nature, had sudden outbursts of anger and hatred, especially towards my family, of which I'm still ashamed even after years. I was terrible, a terrible daughter, girlfriend, and friend, or I was like stoned with distant eyes, or angry, or like in the throes of psychotic breaks where I cried, screamed, cut myself, vomited. I was disgusting. I was disgusting. Then luckily I changed psychiatrist but even then it wasn't easy, I was reluctant and I had also started to overdo it with alcohol, making it even worse.
Then, after changing psychiatrists and therapies, it took me a long time, but now I'm compensated. I no longer have tantrums and my life is decidedly hazy. There are periods I can't remember; if I remember them, all I can think of are clouds of pain, anger, and a person who wasn't me. Luckily, I've been feeling a little better for two or three years now, even though I still often feel like crap (but hey, now I only take a sleeping pill that also acts as an antidepressant; 12 to 1 is quite a change!), but I still remember with shame that period when I was truly the worst of myself, a period I hope to never relive again.
However, to overcome and improve myself, I did a lot of therapy, changed my medication and, although with a lot of difficulty, I tried, as I try every day, to fight against depression and the rest.
The photos of my cat are used just to make the post less sad 🤣
First picture edited by my phone translation with deepl.