Sticking to memories of the past is a very important thing. Our memories of our good or bad experiences defines who tend to become and the personality we portray in the society.
I hear a lot of people talk about how they never want to let go of some memories probably due to how special those memories are to them. I think of the best part of being human is the fact that we retain memories. During our lonely times, we think of those beautiful memories, reminisce about it, and wish/hope to live it on more time.
Sometimes, I can't help it but think, what if our memories here on earth are the things that will keep us company when we are no more? What if the memories of the good times we have and the things we did are the only comfort we get after earth? Welp, I guess at the moment, there is absolutely no way to find out.
Though I have a lot of nice memories, there are a few things I would love to forget but I cannot forget. Though everything became normal again, but the thought of what happened always made me uncomfortable. Sometimes, I wish I have the power to go back in time to make a different choice.
A few years ago, when I newly became a nursing student, I had thoughts of severely injuring myself to avoid a major exams. My thoughts were as a result of fear. Fear of failure. In my mind, if I was severely injured, I would probably be allowed to continue without writing the exams. Lemme explain.
So, when I became a pre-student nurse, I heard a lot of stories about how people failed the qualifying exams that will make them student nurses. Most people said that the system was rigged. I heard stories of how even people that studied really hard for the exams, failed it. The stories were just too much.
For a long time, I lived with fear. What if I failed this exams? What would my family think of me? Would I live in lies by telling them I passed when I did not pass? For how long will I keep up the lie? These thoughts flooded my mind. Negativities blocked my vision. The positive mindset I had vanished as the news of other people's failure flooded the entire school and everyone was schooling in fear.
Most people turned the fear to positive energy and it enabled them focus more. However, me, I was not able to fully make these fear a motivation. Instead, I sank deeper. To make matters worse, many people who failed the exams in other schools joined us in my set. They were the sole source of the information of failure.
I actually read, I tried but no matter how hard I tried, it felt like I was not doing enough. One week to the exams, I began to have suicidal thoughts. It initially started with - "if this school did not properly mark my scripts, or if they give my score to another person, I would come by in the night and burn down the entire school." I said to myself. When I saw that it would be near impossible to pull it off, I began to think of running into a moving heavy duty truck. Maybe if I break a few bones, I would be exempted from the exams and they will give me an automatic pass.
I almost pulled the second thoughts off. I began to walk carelessly on busy roads. Irrespective of how hard I tried, I was not hit by any vehicle, not even a bicycle. It was really disappointing. Exams day came, and I wrote the first paper. When I finished writing the first paper, I was really happy. I answered all the questions without leaving any stones unturned. I don't know how to express the joy I had, and the confidence I regained after writing that first paper.
After the exams, it took about two weeks for the results to come out. The emotional scare I had (even though I knew I wrote well), can't be fully expressed. My course mates got an SMS stating their results, but I didn't receive anyone. It took a few days to get mine. I passed the exams without any resit or carryover. My grades were really good.
The major thing I would like to forget is the fact that I cowardly wanted to run away from failure. Yeah, I was a big coward for even thinking of that as an option. It was a disgraceful thought. Instead of me to stand and face whatever came my way, I looked for sympathy, and I allowed people's talks to indirectly control my though process.
Guess what, I later found out that though the system was rigged, majority of students that passed meritted it.
Thank you for reading.
All images are mine.