I am not one inclined to talk deep stuff about myself, even to myself. I sometimes struggle with reflecting on who it is that I am because I'd rather bottle some things away, especially from people, so I do not need to confront them. But this isn't far from cowardice. Yes, I know.
As a matter of fact, I am usually fully aware of my thought processes and my emotions. I just never talk about them. Why? Well, I really do not know. I just guess I feel much safer that way. But then, I am learning that bottled up emotions will only burst out somehow, someday, if I do not confront them to assess them.
We have another set of topics this weekend by G-dog, and to be honest, they're pretty thought-provoking. When I first saw them, I thought to myself, "Ughhh... these ones are gonna be more about me." And this is not to say I do not share my personality in my writings, but that these topics require one to think deeply about oneself.
But because I often shy away from my feelings, I wanted to choose something other than what I have now chosen; something a bit dissonant for me. But I couldn't resonate, so I bounced back to reflecting on my feelings and thoughts on why I just can't let go...
But I couldn't resonate...
Writing, for me, is a way to express myself. And I am still very new to writing, so I take the opportunities I can to do so. I mean, we can only grow by trying, isn't it?
I only knew your voice over the phone. I had never seen you in person, and neither did I really know you. All I knew was that I should know you. She said I should know you because you were more than a friend to her and you were more than a "sir" to me. What we had was much deeper than any connection there could be. And for the reason that I trusted her, I adored you.
We spoke on the phone often. And although I do not remember much about what we ever spoke about, I can remember that the conversations we had were much different than the ones I had with you. They weren't as "exciting" as I felt. Her countenance often gave it away. But I never gave much thought to it then.
And then the year came when she said to me, "Boy, you are going to meet him today." And when I first sighted you, I didn't think much of you until she said to me at that moment, "That's him." And then I saw you as not a stranger anymore, but as the man on the other side of the phone.
I should have been excited about seeing you after all those years. I mean, I was. But I really was more excited about seeing the place up close for the first time. I wanted to be a pilot at that time, and I loved the sight of planes in the air. So it was a joy to be in an airport.
Thinking about it now, I realise I wasn't that excited to see you because there wasn't much of a bond between us. It was only when you came back for the first time and you spent a month that a bond, although small then, was formed. And then you came around once every year since then.
You brought goodies each time you came. I always had new shoes, wristwatches, clothes, and some weird instant noodles. But then, we never really bonded mcuh still.
You were always out very early every day with her to make sales and then you both came back late every night. At some point, I began to not like you around much because you always took her away from me for the whole day. But I guess those goodies kept me shut all along.
And when the month's over, you are often back on a plane back to some place in Pennsylvania. Yeah, I remember the place. I was a kid then. I sure do remember.
But then, your presence was much like your absence. Much like when you were the man on the other end of the phone.
I was not wrong to feel that way because she also felt that way, but I never knew till I was much older. My brother and I had to be brought up entirely by her. Do you have any idea how that was for her and me (and my brother)? No, you didn't. You were perfectly fine in another man's land, perfectly okay.
But we weren't.
Well, I was, actually. I never felt that much of the void because she did quite a good job of shielding us. Her conversations were much different from mine with you because she wasn't happy with you. You both were never having the best conversations.
It all continued that way till you chose to commit to another woman. What a nerve you've got, I tell you; the nerve to abandon us, even as much as you were never really there much. And then you became so far away from us, leaving us to live with the void that you created.
I never use the word "hate." But the truth is, I actually felt that way (I think I still do). And t is not just because you were not there, but also because you were never there in many ways I can mention.
You are still here, and so am I. But we are light years apart. That's all on you because I was the kid and you were never there. It's hard to let go, but I have embraced it. I know I will do a much better job with your role when my time comes because I know exactly what not to be.
ℍ𝕖𝕪, 𝕚𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕖𝕟𝕛𝕠𝕪𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕥, 𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕕𝕝𝕪 𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕒 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥, 𝕣𝕖𝕓𝕝𝕠𝕘, 𝕠𝕣 𝕦𝕡𝕧𝕠𝕥𝕖. 𝕀𝕥'𝕝𝕝 𝕤𝕦𝕣𝕖 𝕓𝕖 𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕔𝕚𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕.