When I did the family tree research in the UK in 2020, I came across a photo with my great, great grandmother Rose. Sheesh, she was scary looking - very masculine and - let's say farmwoman. And on my German side, my Nana was very farmwomany as well. Strong, but I wouldn't say good looking. It's no wonder I look the way I do.

Okay okay I need to back up a little. When I say 'it's no wonder I look the way I do', I mean, I look in the mirror and go ew. And it's worse the older I get, especially with those freaking chin hairs that won't go away. I see photos of myself these days and I recoil at the middle age woman in them - who is this ugly, farmwomany person?

So I don't have the best self esteem, I guess, or kind of a physical dysmorphia where I just see ugly. We live in a world where looks are important, and where woman measure themselves against society's standards of beauty. It doesn't help to tell yourself that it's only skin deep or intelligence and humour are more important - there's those little knife cuts all the time when people are worshipping beauty and you're definitely not it.

My husband, however, thinks I'm beautiful. Like, really beautiful, in a 'Europeon' way (there's the German farm woman, Slovenian genes, a bit of Italian too, and some Yorkshire and West Country blood) that he seems to like. He stares and me and just says to me: 'you are so beautiful'. Woman aren't very good at saying 'thankyou' to such compliments. We generally think men want something, they're lying, and/or they're stark raving bonkers. So bonkers he is. He advises me I look much nicer when I'm not scrunching my face up saying 'ew' in front of a mirror or a camera. Granted, we are pretending to be gargoyles in Myanmar here, as you do.

I'm totally, totally grateful for his beer goggles. I tend to think 'well, at least someone thinks I'm beautiful'. And I think, well, at least I'm intelligent, as well. Libran woman tend to pride themselves on their intelligence, so that's about right. Perhaps though if I was dumb I wouldn't worry so much about how people saw me.

'At least' I'm smart. 'At least' I'm kind. 'At least' I'm funny. 'At least' I'm loved. See the kinds of things woman tell themselves because we're holding ourselves up against standards of beauty? It's debilitating. When I hear myself, I cringe. If I would feel sad hearing any friend say that about themselves, why do I do it myself?

Would I be willing to give up intelligence for beauty?

Intelligence is pretty handy. It makes me resourceful, creative, funny and able to get myself out of problems. It helps me interrogate, analyse and read the world in a way I enjoy. No one can take advantage of me - it's more likely I'll take advantage of you. Being intelligent is something I feel good about, even if it's an ego thing. Intelligence has helped me be flexible in my thinking to progress and grow in ways I don't think I would have if I lacked it.

Furthermore, it's a spiritual no. Superficial appearance is not the meaning of happiness - it's a fleeting, transient, impermanent thing that has no intrinsic value. Kindness and compassion have value. Non judgement has value - to judge others is to dehumanise, to take away their humanity for the sake of something utterly skin deep. And if I do that to others, I do it to myself. Woman are very good at this - it's a source of deep shame and pain, and damn society for perpetuating it.

Beauty is cultured and socialised, and thus is not real - it's a product of the era, and more recently, a useful tool to sell products. The 'body positive' movement has worked hard to counter this and it is more common to see older, larger bodies used to model clothing and swimwear as it is them, after all, who form a good proportion of the market. I feel quite strongly that we must always resist 'standards' of anything, let alone beauty. So to give up my intelligence for beauty would be against my punk resistance to anything that I've been taught to conform to.

Fuck that.

But if I come back in a next life, universe, please don't make me inherit my great grandparents genetics.