I am ugly, and because of that, I feel like I am not allowed to live on earth. I should just hide myself in a bag and never plan to go outside, EVER!. This is just my thought; I know that no one is ugly. But to a person like me who has low self esteem, it's hard not to think that way, another thing is, my brain is already polluted with lot's of negative thoughts about my appearance.
I always felt awkward facing people because I felt so ugly. And because of this, I grew up with lots of insecurities. But I love myself okay; it's just that it's hard to erase my insecurity with my face and my body wholly. I love myself in my own way; I can be proud too, but only to myself, to myself as the audience, and not to others. But with lots of crowds? That's a completely different matter.
I know this is bad of me to say this, but I am thankful when facemasks become a required thing in our daily lives. because I can hide my face with it. I can proudly walk outside without thinking that I might make someone puke at the sight of my face. I know, I know it is too "NEGA," but I am already used to self-sabotaging myself every day. That's my way of living, which helps me too.
But I love "me," no matter how much I down myself; it's just "old habits die hard." ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ
So with the question: if I'd rather be good-looking but never have sex again, or ugly and have plenty of sex,
I will choose the first one. I'd rather be good-looking, but I will never have sex again. I'll just masturbate, lol. That's allowed right? So what if I never have sex again? I can play with myself. There are a lot of toys out there that can make a woman happy.
I don't need someone to do the job for me. I can do it myself. And it will be much better if I do it myself, with the help of my fingers, lol. I can do it at the tempo I want. I don't need to beg to make it faster; I can dance to my own music alone and without a partner.
If fingers can't suffice, then I'll buy a dildo, a vibrator, or maybe I'll also get a doll with male organs, lol. I can be beautiful while living the way I want with my sex toys, lol. I can walk around with a wide smile without hiding my face. That would be lovely.
So who cares about sex, right? Lol.
I want to be beautiful, I just don't want to be that not fully bloomed flower anymore, or the plain Jane, I want to be in full bloomed.
I want to feel a male gaze upon me, but with love and not disgust.
I want to wear dresses proudly with my beautiful face and show it to the world.
For once, I want to feel beautiful—not just "FEELING beautiful," but to look literally beautiful. Pretty face, heart-shaped face, no double chin, perfectly shaped eyebrows, long and sexy eyelashes, luscious lips, and shiny long hair, that kind of BEAUTIFUL.
I just want to make myself happy.
I want to be happy.
But don't get me wrong; I am not saying that I am not happy right now. What I mean by this is, "I want to be happy with my good-looking feature," and that's all.
