I know people would react as to why I want this. Because while other people will do anything to live longer, some even pay huge money to develop drugs or whatever that can make them live longer, me on the other hand wants the opposite, I mean, I chose to die early. Hear me out first.
I already experience to lose two of important people in my life. It hurts and I can't bear to watch losing someone who's very dear to me. Losing a father and sister is not that easy. So I want them as the last in this Family. I decided that I will live just until 50. Looks doesn't concern me at all, what I just want is to live shortly and die first before those important people in my life disappear.
Just a week ago, I am just talking to my Mommy F about death. I hate talking about it that is why I avoid it. Just thinking about it is enough to shake me in fears. "No, I will die first, before you!" That's what in my mind. I know it is selfish for those who will be left behind, but I really hate pain that kill mentally and in slow pace. I will die first and I will die happy and with a smile in my face.
I'd rather be called selfish than to experience another pain again of losing. I don't care if I ended up single for the rest of my life, to be honest, in my 28 years of existence, going 29 this August - I still don't give a damn about that. I can live without a man but I cannot live without my parents. It's funny because of how I resented them so much before but now, they become my universe.
I think of this every once in a while, like when I don't have my phone with me and I have to think of my future. It concerns me as to what if I live more than what I wish for? What if I was meant to live until 70 or 80? Then my plan will be for naught. Then I have to face more heartache. And even if I don't want to experience that, I don't have a choice because they are already getting older.
I always have this dream, I will buy a land, build a home for me and my family and enjoy every moment of our life together. I love to daydream, and in that daydreaming, they are always in there. It is not just me. And instead of dreaming of my own family, I saw myself on that huge house with them. So it will be not as happy as what I imagined it, if they are not with me anymore.
I don't have a plan of what am I gonna do with my life if ever that happened which I pray please not this soon - but, I don't think I will ever be ready. I know, that the world is too beautiful to leave early but, I don't think I will still look at it the way I see it today if ever I am left on earth with no one. I don't like kids so having my own family is really not in the option. I just don't want it.
Just thinking that they will left me in the world is enough to make me sad. The money that I am working hard to save now will be useless if they are not here anymore.
Anyways, the plan is, will die at 50 or 48 or 49. And while I'm still far from that age, I will save and save and save, spend more time with my oldies and enjoy this life.
Ahhh, ahhh, I really wish I can set my own time limit here on earth and on how I am going to die. That would be cool for sure.
