I used to have a very bad temper, I would get irritated easily, and I was very impulsive. Hurtful words spoken without self-control... It wasn't all the time, but it happened quite often. I felt that these attitudes were taking over me, and the easiest thing was to say, "That's just how I am."
More than once, I had to apologize when I acted impulsively with someone important to me. I felt guilty about it. Well, I also tend to overthink things; I wasn't necessarily destructive with words, but words and the way I say them hold enormous power, and like any power, they should be handled with caution. Without losing sincerity, we can express what we feel in a more assertive way.
I don't know exactly when I began to have greater self-control, to be much calmer than before... Maybe it was when I looked back and felt ashamed of myself for not acting in a way that made me feel proud or at least at peace.
Wait, I think I just remembered when I started acting with more awareness in certain circumstances. I believe it was after ending a relationship that lasted almost four years. I felt very guilty, and over time I thought that the breakup was caused by my bad temper (which wasn't always present, but it was noticeable).
It wasn't exactly because of that, but it probably influenced the tension in the relationship and the apathy both of us felt in the end.
After that relationship, I was single for a long time. Since I have few friends, I spent a lot of time alone. Well, I've always enjoyed spending time alone, although I also love good relationships—whether romantic, friendships, work-related, or family. I value harmony and mutual respect.
Gradually, I started changing that impulsive attitude of acting out with bad temper sometimes, both to feel better with the people I interact with and, above all, to feel better with myself.
Another turning point was when I became seriously ill. At times, I felt I wouldn’t be in this world anymore. That was a few years after ending that relationship, so by then I had already made good progress in self-control and assertiveness.
When I felt so terrible, I only wanted to feel well again. During those months, I also reflected on how I was living my life. I wanted even greater peace, although I already had enough, but I longed for, and still do, full tranquility and inner peace, even if the world falls apart around me. And since I know that my entire world begins within me, I try to extend that to my relationships with others, being mindful of how I react.
This doesn’t mean I no longer make mistakes or act impulsively sometimes; although that happens much less now. Still, I am at a point where I feel much better with myself in that regard, and I believe I can offer relationships with much more value than before.
Now, to excuse myself for something, I no longer simply say, "That's just how I am." Instead, depending on the situation, I take a deep breath, reflect, and change that belief, telling myself something like: I am not like that; I behaved that way, but I can do better.
Better for myself and better for the people I care about.
