I've carried a lot of heavy baggage that weights my life, and it's devastating to see myself drowning in my own tears again before I could even wipe them. In the shadowed corridors of the past few months, hope seemed to slip through my fingers like sand and I truly believed that the light would not find me again. Though this isn't the first time I've faced such trials, the weight of daily anguish grows heavier upon my weary spirit.
Thankfully, during the surprise birthday celebration of my girlfriend's friend, I was able to come along. I, my girlfriend, and my girlfriend's besties were picked up by the birthday girl's parents because the celebration was going to be at their house. We rode a car and traveled an almost 30-minute drive. We had so much fun hiding in the laundry room, waiting for the birthday girl to come, and her reaction to the surprise made all the minutes spent waiting for her worth it. I must admit, during the celebration, I was able to distract myself. Now, I share a picture of what happened in those moments.
The next few days, they decided to continue the celebration, but this time at the beach. A few days before, I was completely lost and out of character, but because of this moment, I was able to unwind even just a little bit. We once again drove for more than 30 minutes. Despite the emptiness of the river that took over my solitude, I hoped that the beach could save me, and for a moment, it did. Upon arrival, the first thing I actually did was took a deep breath and admired my ever-loving girlfriend as she captured the breathtaking view through her lens.
After that, we immediately prepared the foods, because what's a beach celebration without the mouth-watering treats, right? It's funny how I indulged in the snacks first and sipped on soda before meeting the water; perhaps it's because I'll have more fun eating than swimming because I can't even swim at all. The second I satisfied my growling stomach, I braced myself to the gentle touch of water as I took another step deeper into the ocean. Though my body is unable to move in the rhythm with the sea, that doesn't hinder me from breaking through my darkest agony and letting the moment flow within me. I wandered my eyes around, and there I saw people laughing with the waves and bracing the texture of the sand with their feet. Some of them were laughing, others were eating and swimming, of course, and there were also ones who just wanted to enjoy the view. Though most of them seem happy, I still can't stop myself from wondering how many of those teeth-showing smiles are actually a reflecting light of genuine happiness rather than a smile who desperately needs to see what life has to offer in return for their sufferings. During this time, I forced myself to enjoy the moment and not think of something negative for once, though I did think of something negative but that I was still able to enjoy the moment.
After being in the ocean with my girlfriend for a few minutes, we heard her friends calling us in for lunch, and I can still perfectly recall how thrilled I was for that great news. I mentioned in my introduction blog that I am just learning how to dine without feeling like I'm betraying my own sanity, and I wasn't lying with that. When my thoughts weave a tangled web I cannot unravel, a storm of guilt washes over me. I've long held the belief that every burden rests on my shoulders, leading me to punish myself in any form I know. Yet, this moment unfurls before me as an opportunity—a precious gift—to savor the delights I have often denied myself. In this opportunity, I ate as much as I could. I devoured every piece of barbeque and licked the sauce off my finger like there's no tomorrow. I just also want to show appreciation for those who prepared the foods, they were all delicious! Though I wasn't able to try all the dishes, but I just know that they all tastes good because they used a priceless recipe— love.
After lunch, we headed back into the ocean and had more fun. Because of this moment, I was able to unwind and push my disturbing thoughts and emotions back to my subconscious mind. Despite being someone who's short and can't swim at the same time, I was actually proud of myself for enjoying the ocean above my shoulder length. I was scared, of course. I mean, I experienced drowning before, so going deep into the ocean is a threat to my peace. There's just something about the ocean that calms my mind. After swimming, we headed back into the cottage and took a shower. Guess who took care of me after? That's right, my girlfriend. I may be drowning with unwelcome thoughts, but I'm also drowning with princess treatment. After showering, she wiped the sand off my feet so that I could comfortably wear slippers, and I also did the same for her. If she treats me right, I promise to treat her better, but we both want to treat each other best, and I'll forever be grateful for this type of love. After wiping the sand off my feet, she then proceeded to put makeup on me. I can definitely put my make-up on by myself, but I just really want her to be involved, so I asked her to put foundation on me to balance out my skin tone after tanning. After putting on foundation, I realized, Shoot, I also need blush, so I asked her to put blush on me. Don't judge me; I'm just really clingy. If Princess Treatment is a photo, it probably looks like this.
After the worthy hours spent at the beach, we weren't actually able to go home since there's no one who could drive us. Therefore, we ended up having a sleepover. With all honesty, I wasn't thrilled with that idea. I really did cry because I get homesick so easily, but I just don't have a choice. I was still genuinely grateful for everything that happened; it's just that I needed some time to recharge.
Before I end this blog, may this be a reminder to be kind to yourself and take a breather; you deserve it; we all do.