Author's Note:
As always, this is just that same old section where i relate to you my thoughts, worries, and or experiences that I'd like to get off my chest.
Again, you don't have to read this. You can always just....you know what — fuck it — I could use your advice anyway.
So uhm...for the past few weeks, I've been doing this thing whereby, if I catch myself getting angry or upset even in the slightest least, I'ld immediately try to control myself, point out that anger is not the solution and that love and understanding is; then take a few deep breaths and gradually let the anger suppress. And truthfully, I'd say it's been working quite well - although some situations are a lot harder than others. LoL, the world is full of a pretty disturbing amount of idiots with most of them being hella annoying :)
Anyway, I found that upon doing this particular exercise, something rather queer began happening to me. Every night, since last week, I have been haunted my very disturbing dreams. Dreams about getting extremely angry and hurting people. And not so surprisingly, those said people that I hurt in the dream, were the same ones I refused to get angry at in the outer state!
And trust me, when I say disturbing dreams, I mean absolutely bizzare: We're talking brutal beatings, stabbing, something that rhymes with grape, straight on decapitation and mutilation, lol and even burning someone to death with my heat vision. And those are just the softballs.
Oh dear God! I really don't know why this is happening to me! But what I do know, is that it has been seriously affecting my sleep and my mental state in entire. Hmm... Could it be that it's my sub conscious mind trying to let go of some steam?
Ah... You know naturally, I'm not at all a violent person nor someone who gets angry easily. Heck! If I find myself in a tense situation, I usually just try to laugh my way through it. But good God! this shit
is really scaring me now!
Hmm... You know, i was considering stopping the entire exercise completely and seeing a shrink. What do y'all think?...
Anyway, enough of this... Let's just get straight into this week's engagement prompt shall we?
I choose:
"Tell us about the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you personally, how it made you feel and how it impacted your life when it happened and into the future."
Ah yes...embarrassing moments, they can be quite funny huh? Whether it be laughing in a pool and accidentally peeing, laughing during a dinner date and accidentally snorting, or even having that silly dream where you find yourself naked at school(lol, guilty as charged), they can be quite a thing to remember and to laugh at for many years to come.
In my case however, I found that these embarrassing moments often make me cringe more than they should make me laugh when reminiscing about them. Needless to say, there's still this one particular moment I will never forget. It's moments like these that truly give meaning to the term:
"Secondhand embarrassment"
So, it all happened a couple years back when I was still a young teenager - I believe I was 15 at the time, yes. Anyway, I was going on a youth field trip to a conservatory out of state and present in the bus was myself, our guide, and about 14 other youths. Oh, and worth a mention is the fact that I sat next to my longtime teenage crush, Lucy, all through the entire trip!
Ah, I recall we started our journey around 12pm in the afternoon and stupid me, by then, had already filled myself up with both breakfast, brunch, brunchy lunch, and LUNCH!
Need I remind you, I woke up around 7:30am that morning so you can imagine: that's less than 5 hours of me filling up my stomach with what could have been a 4 time meal!
Hmm yes, I equally recall aggressively dismissing my mother's advice to eat very light prior to the long road trip that afternoon. Ha! But who could blame me? I was a rookie. A foolish ignorant road-trip rookie.
Anyway, so we're 2 hours into the road trip already and gradually, I begin to feel the dreadful discomfort of metabolism kicking in. However, i quickly ignore the feeling and remain focus on the trip. I mean it was suppose to be a mere 4 hour trip right? And I was already 2 hours in so... Nearly there! I just had to hold it.
Anywho...long story short, you know how the trip was initially planned to last for 4 hours right? Well, it became a staggering 8 hour + trip due to extreme traffic jams that crowded the routes during most of the trip!
Yup, that was my face during most of the trip when I realized I was probably going to have to hold it in or shit my pants and get it done with already.
Ha! You would've laughed to see how cunningly I flirted with Lucy while trying DESPERATELY to hold in a fat load of shii! And for some reason, the girl kept trying to start a conversation with me!
Seriously, you ignored me basically my entire life and now you're interested in knowing what my likes and dislikes are? Girl, i just wanna take a shii goddamn it!
Moving on, 6:00pm came later and I was now pooped up more than ever! Constantly sweating, gnashing, and crying inside while begging and begging for that stupid semi-truck driver to rethink his decision off making a fucken U - Turn in this terrible traffic jam we were in. And then, without warning, amidst all the chaos, I passed out. At least, I think I did👀. Welp either way, my body was just way too damn tired from holding in all that shit in.
Presently, I regained consciousness. Infact, I believe I repeated that same pattern of waking up, trying to hold the shit, shouting and yelling at all those horrible semi-truck drivers on the traffic lanes, and then getting knocked off again right until... I awoke one last time — that is, when the trip was over and we had arrived at the hotel.
I'll tell ya now, all I could really remember from that moment of waking up was: my body feeling the bus coming to a smooth stop, a surprising sense of calm and relief run through my body; a warm moist yet muddy feeling all around my pants, a dangerously horrible stench in the air and finally, the horrifying shriek of Lucy, my crush screaming in terror:
Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
she screamed and that was when I woke up. And let me just tell you now, it was quite a mess.
Oh good fuck, I'm not even trying to exaggerate here, the poop was literally everywhere! All over the back seat, on my pants, on my shirt, on my face, on my shoes! And even worse: on Lucy, on HER shoes, on HER dress, and I think there was some on her face too!😂
As I live and breathe, I was beyond embarrassed! And all I could really say was:
Oh my God! I'm so sorry! It...it was a mistake!
Alas, there was really no excuse for a 15 year old to shit his own pants.
Anyway, Lucy ended up rushing to the hotel to clean up that night, of course the other youths laughed at me although, most of them were honestly just really stunned at what had just happened; then later my guide urged me to clean up and checked in with me to see if I was okay health wise and finally, the bus driver had to wash the entire bus!
To be honest, I wasn't prepared to face the embarrassment of being labelled the "shit king" all through the fellowship that week and so, I kindly asked our guide if I could return back home and fortunately enough, she was nice enough to understand and send me back home.
So yeah, that was my bizzare most embarrassing moment, I've also got a couple others like these to lol, but I'll refrain for now and keep it at one for this post. Honestly, as horrifying as that embarrassing experience was, I think actually learnt a couple things: 1.) Would be listen more and 2.) Eat light for road trips :)
Ever since then, I've been more than cautious in what and how I eat during road trips. Ha! Sometimes I don't even eat at all during trips just so I could be Safe. :)
Oh, and just incase you were wondering what ever happened with Lucy, then it's simple:
She avoided me for a long time during our teenagehood, eventually she came to terms with it and later on, we hit it off AS FRIENDS and learnt to laugh at it. Well at least, she's the one who laughs when it's brought up. I, however, cringe hard instead.
In conclusion, I will leave you with this inspiring quote by Albert Einstein:
Thanks for reading and keep exploring!