It was one year ago that we lost our baby; one year ago that I had a child we would never meet...
How do we accept an outcome that provides us with no answers? I honestly don't know... How do we accept that we no longer have a child? Well, if I cannot answer the first question, you could not possibly expect me to answer the second... For how advanced and knowledgeable as we are today, there are still some things we will never be able to explain. We must accept that we are not as important as we'd like ourselves to believe; the laws of the universe are blind to how callously the sweetest person is treated. Nature requires no explanations for its existence.
We were never promised anything in this lifetime, save for pain, struggling, and suffering. The only thing that life is guaranteed is death.
"Funny, the day you're born, that's really your death sentence." - Childish Gambino from his song Life: The Biggest Troll
In a world where nothing was promised to me, I recognize what blessings my two daughters are; to have survived pregnancy, all of us, alive, happy and healthy as can be.
By that same breath, after a year of consistently and actively trying with nothing to show for it (except a good time!), I acknowledge what an honor it is to conceive. I never would have thought that this would be one of my battles in life: struggling to get pregnant. And frankly, I don't know how much longer I can endure it...
Yet, hope has always burned brighter than despair, and my burning desire for more children is one that I am not ready to abandon. My heart is not ready to give up the possibility of more life.
But I know that I cannot expect something without giving back in return. I recognize what a blessing it is to be a vessel for God's angels. I acknowledge that I will be a part of something bigger than myself, that it is about more than me. I have promised God that I will endure any and all battles that may come my way: I will overcome hyperemesis gravidarum, and I will trust MY instincts over anyone else's, regardless of the profession. I told God that this time, I will be strong.