I'm trapped.
I'm stuck in a dimension of gray apathy. Why? I don't know.
Or maybe I do know, but I'm always afraid to say it. Because this block is my fault, but it's also the fault of circumstances. And when I'm in this state, I always find it very difficult to break free. These circumstances seem unshakeable and unchangeable to me, and I feel powerless. I am unable to change them, I can only wait for them to change on their own. And when they change to a more favorable situation, then I will be able to break free and move on.
Yeah, right...
Then there's the part that concerns my own fault. I'm stuck because I allow myself to feel bad, to reduce myself to this condition. Because I'm lazy. Because I let myself be overwhelmed. It's my fault because I have total responsibility for managing my own being and getting out of this state of apathy. If only I had enough willpower to get moving and start again, I would solve the problem.
Yeah, right...
And so the excuses keep coming. The two sides feed off each other: I think I have the strength to get back on my feet, but these unfavorable circumstances make me feel bad, so what's the point?
Then one day the circumstances will become favorable again, but I know myself. I'm too lazy and careless to make the effort to get back on track. And I'll get angry with myself:
"You're a stupid jerk. You always make excuses and then complain that you don't have time to do what you wanted to do. Even though you know it will make you feel good, that you'll be satisfied when the job is done."
I get so angry. With myself. The angrier I get, the more depressed I become and slip into this downward spiral of self-pity where everything loses meaning.
I get angry because I know how to solve it. I get angry because even though I know, I can't find the strength to act. I get angry thinking about the time I'm wasting.
But is this time really wasted?
I wonder how much this condition is due to the hyper-productive times we are living in, or if it's just a result of my own nature. After all, it had been a long time since I had relaxed a little by playing video games. I have to compose, I have to produce new music. Because my music is my life. But what happens when you don't feel like living? I don't even hear the music anymore. Maybe taking a break from the production process and playing for a few days is what I need to calm down, reset my brain, and start again with a fresh mind when the time is right. Too bad I'm not composing new music for more than two months right now...
Should an artist always make music to define themselves, or can they also stop for a moment without being any less of an artist? We live in a strange world: I should only make music when I feel like it, because if I make it because I HAVE TO, it probably won't be good music, right?
But at the same time, if I don't make music all the time, I disappear and am forgotten, right? How can I live in a world where both of these statements are true at the same time?
And that's where the anxiety comes from. The anxiety that while I'm playing games, it reminds me that I should be producing. The anxiety that while I'm producing, it tells me, “Take a break every now and then, nothing bad will happen!”
And just like so, I always feel bad.
I'm trapped. Where are the keys?