All my life, I have learnt to help people both at times when it feels convenient and at times when it doesn’t. When I help people, I usually prefer helping those who I know that won’t be able to pay me back because I believe my rewards are in heaven when I help them. But when I help those that I know that they can pay back, I feel a bit somehow because to them, I might be helping them because I want something from them and that’s totally far from it. Sometimes I intentionally avoid helping such people except I really see that they are in need and I look for a way to help them without them knowing about it.
The only persons I have helped even when I know they are capable of paying me back are my friends or those I have a close relationship with. For these persons, I just feel grateful that I’m a friend they can rely on and I’m always grateful to God when I can be of assistance to them when they are in need. Usually, when it comes to these persons, I feel a little comfortable with them trying to pay back favors because we are friends and just the way I was happy I helped out, they also feel the same way when they help out too. But then, I always prefer helping out more and that’s because it is very easy for us as humans to count the things we’ve done for people.
Helping people for me is a privilege. I don’t help you because I want you to help me too when I’m at my lowest. Yes, there are times when I wish I can just go back to those that I have once helped and are now doing well for themselves to help me but there is this pride in me that won’t let me. And that’s because I have seen people like that change. They try to help you more than you’ve helped them and act like you helped them just because you wanted them to help you back.
A lot of people we have helped in the past wants us to ask them to help us before they help us and that is one thing I struggle to do because I won’t want someone else to do that to me until recently when I realized that I did that to someone. I had totally forgotten how much they helped me when I was so sick. I remember how I called him randomly to come help me get something and he did without hesitations. I never really thanked him for his kindness after I became better and then recently he asked me for a tiny favor and I was so pained that he even had to ask. But I was also grateful that he did.
Personally, I don’t like it when people who have helped me come to me to ask for help. I like helping them once I’m in a position to and most importantly, I do this without them knowing about it. That way, they will continue to pride in the fact that they have done something good for me and God will also reward them better for me. And sadly, I expect the same from people. If you feel really grateful for what I have done for you, you can help me from a distance when you can. You don’t have to show me you are trying to help me because that biased side of my mind will always make me feel like you are trying to repay the favor so we can be balanced.
It is a good thing that someone I have helped does well later in the future but I really don’t expect them to do any good for me because I have helped them before but I’d be grateful if they do. Except I feel that bias and then I’ll struggle to be appreciative because I don’t want more from them. You know they say, an appreciation is an application for more. So if I’m not appreciative of what they’ve done for me the way they want it, they will stop trying to do things for me.
Thank you for reading through. 💜