I think the reason life is so much of a pain is that it never comes with the answers. It gives you a problem and goes, "Hey, be good and solve this without complaining okay?". Now that makes me want to rebel and just complain!
How many times have I faced a particular situation where I am forced to be the detective and navigate with little to no advise at all? Many times and the most recent one...
I'd had it with busy body tenants and a biased landlord. So, I told my mother that it was time to move. She was in agreement but then she had fears.
"What about the business?"
"Well, we move it with us."
In that moment, I had no idea what I was saying. I was just one girl talking big to alleviate the worry my mother must have been feeling. While I was excited to leave a place that has housed me for five years, I was scared out of my wits because where do we start?
Well, days later, I found the perfect place. According to me. It was a two bedroom apartment, situated in a GRA and we would have the whole compound to ourselves if we did rent the place. It was perfect except for one thing. We were moving the business too and the location was clearly bad for business unless I found a way to bring the customers to me. Not a bad idea. I had saved so much that it was enough (coupled with some borrowed capital) to carry out the plan I had in mind.
So, I set to work. I had just finished going over my business plan and decided to nap a bit because my eyes hurt from working all morning. When I woke up, it was almost 5pm. I decided to withdraw all the money that I had saved which was here on Hive in HBD.
I think my brain was still clouded by the sleep induced fog and I sent it as raw HBD to Binance instead of converting to Hive first. The moment I sent it, that fog cleared and,
"No! No no no no..."
I was ripped off my couch by the weight of that mistake. My mom rushed out from the room and asked what was wrong...
"Mummyka! It's gone. The money is gone."
She eyed me cautiously because she had the idea but she was silent. Once again, I was disappointing a woman I wanted to make proud of me. My legs gave way and my heart crashed against my ribs as I screamed into my pillow. I went from excitedly planning the next stage of my life to being thrown down into the pits of despair.
I called several Hivers I thought could help me and they did their best but in the end, Binance pulled the last card and just like I suspected, my whole savings was gone. HBD saved each passing day after tediously grinding on this Blockchain. All just gone.
My mom tried to encourage me but it didn't matter. I felt hopeless and useless. How do I start all over? They say look for the silver lining, but what about this moment right now is good?
It was dark. Metaphorically and literally. I got a call that night that we were traveling to Abuja for work the next day and for the first time in years, I felt the claws of depression. It was pulling at me, whispering all sorts of obscenities to me. Yet, I kept asking how I could turn the situation around. Despite this, how can I bounce back?
There was no answer, just my walls staring back at me with my heart in my throat as I replayed the events of the afternoon. What if I had waited the next day to make that transaction? Why didn't I just send the HBD to my plug like I normally do? Why did I decide to do it myself for goodness sake?!
That last thought ripped a sob from me as I curled on the couch and hugged myself. Is this God punishing me for my sins? Is he trying to humble me? What did I do? Was I not already broken enough?
The questions went from self-loathe to anger. I became incensed! In my head I began to ask God questions. Why me?! Yeah. It got to that point. Somehow, I managed to fall asleep, tormented by my thoughts that transformed into a hideous mare.
I was sitting in a dark room, but the events of that afternoon was playing. Like an endless loop. And my mom, she'd come rushing out but her face was contorted; twisted even. Her eyes blazed, dark and cold with anger and disappointment, "You're a disgrace!", she’d point at me and cry. I would run out of the house only to be brought back after running in circles. Over and over until I woke with a start.
My cheeks were wet and by the moistness of my eyes, I knew it wasn't just from the copious amount of sweat. I'd been crying. In my dream. The clock said 4am but we didn't leave till 11am. I stayed awake, plagued by the thoughts of the previous day and my nightmare. Could that be a vision of what my mother felt? Of what I am? What did the dark room signify? My future? Why do things never go my way?
Like a zombie, I went through the morning; avoiding my mother and people in general. Soon, I was at the meeting point for the journey and all I wanted was for the earth to swallow me. Throughout my journey, I had to will myself not to breakdown when my thoughts are drawn back to the question marks surrounding my life. I felt like porcelain.
But as I looked out the window of the Sienna at the passing scenery, It was like an epiphany. As cliché as it sounds, I was watching the rain fall and the cloud cover the top of the mountains when I got my answer. Right there in that bus, I realized that I would not be able to change what had happened. Neither could I go back. And I mostly could not blame others for my actions, especially God.
Despite the way my chest ached in that moment, I managed a small smile. I may not have the answers to the mystery that is my life, but I have the choice on how I respond. I called my mom immediately asking how she was doing and she excitedly told me that she was okay. Successively, she poured out the good news that she was able to get back the money from putting in certain calls. I couldn't believe it! Not that she called Binance. Ha! She just reached out to family.
I got home that night and she downloaded the details to me. Few days after, I got a call offering me a job 10x what I have ever received as pay in my entire life. Right now, I may not have all the answers to this mystery called life, but I have a choice. My choice is to live.
