"-and that's how I accidentally notified my entire department that our VP looks like a confused walrus."
Nora tossed the blanket over her head and moaned into the pillow. Her sister Becca sat cross-legged on the bed, trying not to laugh.
Image: Meta AI
"Come on, it can't be that bad," Becca said, patting Nora's leg under the blanket.
"Can't be that-- Becca, I called Vincent Hartley a walrus. In his face. Well, technically in his Zoom face, but still."
It had started off like any regular Wednesday morning conference call. Nora had coffee, her laptop sitting on top of a stack of books because her desk was covered in tax documents, and she'd muted herself the second she logged on. She muted herself each time. It was second nature at this point.
Vincent was blabbing on about quarterly expectations, something in relation to synergy and asset leveraging. Nora half-listened as she sorted through receipts when he started talking about the "thrilling opportunity" of working weekends for a month.
"What a group of--" she'd muttered, then looked up at Vincent's rosy face over her screen, his mustache bristling as he talked. "God, he really does look like a walrus. Like, if walruses wore flashy ties and comb-over hair."
The ensuing silence should have been her first clue.
"Uh, Nora?" That was Keisha from accounting. "Your mic's on."
The blood had drained from Nora's face so fast she feared she'd pass out. Eighteen faces staring at her in little Zoom windows. Vincent's walrus face was beet red.
"I...uh..."
Nora had tried to think of words that didn't exist. "Technical difficulties?"
She'd hung up immediately after that. Closed down her laptop, unplug it, and seriously considered throwing it out the window.
"So, what did you do after you bailed?" Becca asked.
"I didn't run. I withdrew." Nora peeked out from under the blanket. "Then I got seventeen Slack messages and four emails asking if I was okay or not."
"And Vincent?"
"Radio silence. Which is somehow worse than if he'd even fired me on the spot."
Nora's phone rang on the nightstand. She ignored it.
"That could be work," Becca said.
"That could be my layoff notice."
"Or it could be Vincent saying he's always dreamed about becoming one with the inner sea mammal."
Nora snorted in spite of everything. "You're not making this better."
"I am completely making this better. Look, worst case scenario, you have a new job. Best case scenario, Vincent has a sense of humor over looking like he belongs at SeaWorld."
The phone beeped again.
"Come on. just look at it," Becca said. "Rip the band-aid off."
Nora grabbed her phone. Two messages from her co-worker Dev.
Dev: Holy shit Nora
Dev: That was amazing
"What does it say?" Becca asked.
"Dev thought it was amazing." Nora scrolled further. "Oh god, there's more."
Dev: Vincent called an emergency meeting after you left
Dev: Turns out half the department has been calling him the walrus behind his back for YEARS
Dev: He was literally laughing about it
Dev: Says he's thinking of getting walrus cufflinks now
Nora stared at her phone. "You've got to be kidding me."
"What?"
"Vincent. thinks it's funny?"
And another message appeared on her screen, this one from Vincent himself. Nora's stomach dropped.
Vincent: Nora, please call me when you get this. We need to talk.
"Oh, that one doesn't sound so much fun," Becca said, reading over her shoulder.
Nora dialed Vincent's number before she lost her nerve. He answered on the first ring.
"Nora! Thank god. I was scared you'd flown the coop!"
"Mr. Hartley, I'm so totally sorry--"
"Vincent. And seriously? I haven't laughed this much in months."
"You. what?"
"Listen, I'm not exactly a film star. My wife's been telling me I look like a walrus since 1987. The mustache isn't doing anything to assist." He chuckled. "But the way you delivered it- as if you were actually concerned about my beach creature look- it was just so blase."
Nora didn't know whether to cry or laugh. "I'm not fired then?"
"Fired? Nora, you just gave us the best team-building exercise we've experienced all year. Do you know how rare it is for people to see their boss as a human being? Even if said human just happens to look like he ought to be going around with a ball balanced on his nose?"
"I really didn't mean--"
"Certainly not. That's why it was so flawless." Vincent had a moment of silence. "Although next time you are tempted to insult my appearance, maybe double-check that mute button?"
"There won't be a next time."
"Oh, I don't understand. Jenkins from IT informed me that you called his presentation 'drier than week-old toast' when you thought you were muted. Apparently it was three meetings ago."
Nora closed her eyes. "I'm never unmuting again."
"See you Monday, Nora. And hey, thanks for keeping things interesting around here."
She collapsed back on the bed, hanging up the phone. Becca grinned at her.
"So?"
"I still have a job. And apparently a rep as accidental truth-telling."
"Could be worse."
"How in the world could it be worse?"
"You could've insulted him, called him a sea cow."
"Funny. Hahaha"