Right from the start, I've been the "always helping" type, and sincerely, it's just something I kind of do effortlessly. I mean it's something I do naturally, from helping out at events to running some anonymous stuff on my WhatsApp, while also giving out foodstuffs, schoolbags, lunchboxes, and the like to people in my community and some random persons.
That's just who I am. It's not because I have a lot or that I don't have my needs, but then, doing that keeps me going, and it puts a smile on my face that I was able to make someone smile as well, but lately, there's this thing I began to notice, and that is the weight of expectations.
One Thursday night, I had told myself I wouldn't be doing anything anonymous that day because I was up the previous night answering someone who had decided to commit su!c!de. I was up trying to persuade her and telling her that's not the best decision. So, that Thursday night, I was actually on my second WhatsApp account when the message dropped, "I've been trying to reach you, bro. Good evening. I actually need advice, sir, before I do things I'm not supposed to." I was like, Things like what?, I wanted to ask her if she could wait till it's morning, but the urgency in that message wouldn't allow me, and I didn't even know how she was able to get that other number of mine. I sat back up, and I began chatting with her. Tunde, a friend of mine who had come by, looked at me and shook his head.
When I was done with that lady, it was some minutes to one in the midnight. I was so tired and drained, but I was able to calm and advise her while telling her she will be fine and to take things slowly. I thought Tunde had slept off. Immediately I dropped my phone. He sat up, sighed, and asked, "Toyosi, why are you like this? You can't be there for everyone, remember. Think about yourself first, your convenience, your health; it's not selfishness."
I managed to give him a smile as I responded, "But you know someone has to."
"And it must be you; you can't excuse yourself just for a night. Just know you're not Superman; you can't be everywhere, and you can't fix everyone. Think about yourself too; you know how humans can be. At the end, if anything were to happen to you, they will say, "Who sent you?"" and they will just move on with their own life."
But then, to me, I felt as if it was something I had to do. People expect me to; people want people to talk to, to lean on, and to open up to, and here I'm being that person. I thought about the various people who would at times entrust me with things you can only just imagine, and they trust me with it. Talking of the various people who trusted me enough to share their secrets and situations with me. I can't list them all, but all of these people expect me to always be available; they expect to meet a calm face and a quiet voice anytime they reach out to me, all with their various silent demands.
About two months ago, I think, I had advised a guy whose relationship was crumbling. I managed to put him back on his feet and claim what's already his; it's a long story. At that particular time, I was having a bit of issues in my relationship too. I didn't know who to talk to. As I stepped out to take some fresh air, I stumbled on this woman, our eyes met, and I remembered I had helped her some days back. As if she remembered immediately as well, she began thanking me and all, telling me how I had saved her and all.
At the end, she asked if I could help with her child's school sandal, as they would be resuming back to school soon. Sincerely, I wasn't myself at the time. I'm stressed too. Coupled with my own situations, I could barely make out what she was saying. I just told her, "It's alright; I will see what I can do before then." She smiled, thanked me, and went her way. Believe me, it was a different thing. I said inside of me, "I'm tired, I'm barely managing too, I'm sick, give me some breathing space too, I'm falling apart....." That was all I was screaming inside my head. I got home that night and posted something. A lot of people thought it was just the random things I do post that weren't directed at anybody in particular; they didn't know it was for me.
There are times I just sit down and wonder if anyone notices what I'm going through too, that I'm human, that I'd stay up worrying about others while pretending to be fine, that I'd do certain things not even out of the little I have, but there are times that's all I have. The truth remains that most of these expectations aren't communicated out in words; they just look at you differently, see the way you handle things, and within them, they just assume you will always handle theirs differently as well.
After a particular Sunday service one day, I had a stressful week, and I just managed to attend service that day. When we got home, one young boy in my neighborhood came by, expecting to come play with me as usual, because I love kids a lot. He saw me lying on the floor in my room, he called out to me, and I just managed to answer him. He looked at me and went out. I guessed he wasn't satisfied with my response, or he thought I needed rest. I never knew he went to call his older brother to come check on me.
My eyes were shut. I just heard, "Uncle, uncle, hope you're fine?" I opened my eyes and saw them staring at me; they looked sad, but there's this honesty in their eyes. They really see me.
I smiled at them and replied, "I'm fine, thanks. How are you?"
"I've never heard you say you're not fine" replied the older one.
I just laughed, but I can't deny that something was really breaking inside of me. "Well, maybe. I have to be fine at all times...that's who I am."
At that moment, I realized something: either my own expectations, theirs, or those of others—none have to get at me, none should crush me. It's okay to care for others, it's alright to show up for others, and it's good to help, but then, I need to care for myself too, I need rest too, and sometimes it's okay to allow people to see a little, if not all the weight I'm carrying too. It's not a weakness; it's just that I'm human too.
So, I promise myself to help, to give, to advise, and to show up. But also to be honest about my limits. There are a lot of expectations, but then, it's not all for me to bear. Expectations are a part of life; I still feel it, but now, it no longer feels as if I'm being chained. It's more of a choice now, something I can manage and do carefully one at a time.
All images are mine, 2nd & 3rd are a screenshot of the anonymous I do, while the rest are a screenshot of my WhatsApp status.
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