My search for friendship

My name is Carlota and it has always been very difficult for me to have friends, that's why when I find them I do everything possible to keep them, but I think that has always been my mistake, to give my friendship unconditionally, I have endured mockery from my friends, criticism and I have even found out that they talk about me behind my back and I ignore these things in order to keep the friendship. However, they still end up distancing themselves.

I have come to believe that something is wrong with me, it could be that I don't seem sincere, it's too much affection for someone, I don't know how to choose friends or I'm just not made to have friends, I'm destined to be a loner. That wouldn't be weird because there are people who are happy like that, they don't trust anyone, they don't go out with anyone and they are always alone and it doesn't affect them. But there is only one problem, it does affect me to be alone, I like to help people, to be there in happy moments and lend them my shoulder to cry on when needed and I would hope that if I need it they would do the same for me, I would give all my money to have a friend.

I didn't need to give my money, because one day like any other I found someone I could trust, we trusted each other and shared all the time. When she went through difficult times in her life I was there supporting her, I let her know she was not alone, when it was my turn and I thought I was not going to endure a situation that was happening to me she was there. After I got over that situation I came to love her like a sister, after all she became my family.

Two years went by and I noticed that she started to change with me, she almost didn't answer my messages anymore and then she would tell me that she didn't have time or that she forgot. On one occasion I heard her say that she had no friends, that she didn't trust anyone, she never knew I was there listening. Those words made me sad but as always I tried to try harder to be a better friend and not lose her.

Nice things have happened to that friend lately but unfortunately I found out from other people, I am the last to know, as she would write me just to ask me for favors. I recently found out that she is getting married and she is very happy about it, of course, her happiness is mine and I also got happy and offered her my help with the joy that characterizes me. Her answer erased that smile in seconds, she told me that I was not invited because there were many people and little budget and she had to take out some people, she apologized but it had been necessary to make her wedding, I will not take it badly. Then she tells me some people who are invited that she hardly knows.

I stood there wondering, won't I take it badly if my best friend takes me off her guest list on the happiest day of her life? At that moment I knew that it was wrong, no one deserves to be rejected or mend affection just to keep a friendship. I realized that a true friend does not make you feel rejected or inferior. It would be an honor for a friend to share such a special day with you. At that moment I knew that the best thing I could do was to walk away, if someone does not value the friendship I can give, nor the effort made to keep it, it is as if I gave a precious treasure to someone and they throw it away because they do not know its value.

That day I learned that, I opened my eyes and began a better way of living my life, a window opened where I could see a horizon of possibilities, I began to meet other people and to withdraw when I felt that they did not value my presence. Now I know myself and I know what I am worth, I will not allow myself to be rejected. Friendship is a beautiful thing that we can't give to just anyone, we give it to people who really deserve it.

Doing this and walking away was a big challenge for me as I was used to adapting in order to gain acceptance, but I discovered that the first one to accept myself is me. You may wonder if after that I was able to make friends, I am happy to tell you that I did, the amount of friends I have are many, they became uncles of my children, grandparents, brothers, cousins, I have friends of all ages. I was able to see my old friend after more than twenty years, she told me how much she missed our friendship every day and that she regretted not having appreciated her, that she had been feeling lonely for years. Of course I gave her the opportunity to be my friend again, but now it will be in my way, adapting to my way of being and living, no one deserves to feel despised, less by someone you love so much. When you value yourself, others will learn to value you too.