What do I need to do to make this work? I am hoping for an honest answer because I am done trying to reach out to you without any clue. I have been patient and diligent. I have poured my heart to you countless times. Littered pieces of myself everywhere just so I can find closure--just so I can make this work. So I am speaking to you straight from my heart: what do you want from me? Whatever it takes I am ready.
There were times I doubted my limits--the lengths I could go to prove myself to you. Each day those boundaries of fear are dismantled.
Fear is good. Fear keeps you in line. Keeps you safe in your shell where you should be. Fear is good. Fear keeps our fragile world in check, working seamlessly as though it isn't on the edge--about to implode. Fear is good. Fear is law; fear is order; fear is everything we know. Fear is good.
We've been in this rat race for 26years, going in circles and sometimes randomly. We've had good and bad moments. Shit! There were times I thought we were on the same page, on the same line riding things out. In those moments it felt like we were making progress and that you wanted this too. Then you turned your back one just right about the time I thought I could trust you and that you had my best intentions. You took everything--everything I loved. You tore me into pieces until I was barely recognisable. You left me for dead but you never let me die. Why? It could have ended there, you could two years ago in that vehicle; it would have ended two weeks ago. Why am I still here.
This, this an honest hour and I just going to say it as it is. I think you enjoy this. I think you enjoy watching me suffer; I think you enjoy watching me struggle and beg for you; you enjoy watching me break almost to a point of no return then you pull me back. It's all fun to you--a sick joke. I am just your entertainment. You know I will never go back without a fight and fight is what you have me do, every day, every night.
I know, I have played into your hands several times and take for the responsibility of my actions. I am not trying to highlight your wrongs or my flaws, I just want a way forward--some closure. What am I doing? What is this about? This is me fighting for my sanity, I am on the verge of losing it--losing it damn it! What is this about? Just something. For once say something. It has been twenty-six years of walking in the dark--chasing pavement. It's been twenty-six years of silence. Say something, anything.
I am reaching out, as a lover and friend. I am calling out as one desperate for clarity. We can make this work--you and I. I am down for whatever, trust me. Would you give me the benefit of a doubt? Life? I am calling, please answer.