Do you want me,
or do you not?Happiness Is A Butterfly
The beginning of the song did hit me really hard. It has always been the questioning thing in my head whenever I put myself into a relationship with someone. But I had never found the correct words to voice it up, until Lana Del Rey brought hers to me. I first knew Lana Del Rey through her "Blue Jeans", but only when I listened to "Happiness is a butterfly" in "Norman Fucking Norwell" Album did she become my musician muse. Lana has fetched tons of her compositions to us, which contain so many forms of rebellious youth, grief, regret, death and and tragic love stories. However, from my view, her collection has never been desperately grievous like Cigarettes After Sex or Joji's one, instead, it always remains the pulchritude of undone memories and breakdown at the depths of our heart, at least in hers and in mine, which helps me to recognize the poetically pathetic side of me. Now, I hope you would spend a bit of time to read my life, through Lana's lyrics, and I hope it would worth your time.
My siblings said I was worst suffering from my parents' divorce, notwithstanding, I doubted that. I sensed the pain coming from broken family right at the start of the cracks to the total corruption so little that sometimes I wished I could have been hurt more. But gradually, the ache showed up as it had been there all the time without my sobriety to recognize. My sentiments went numb, indifferent towards my family and I began seeking for love from strangers ever since the separation of my family although I know I should not have done it. As a consequence of the fantasy about unfamiliarity, the insecurity came to see me just within a moment. I was afraid of being abandoned like how I had done to my innocent self, too afraid to not stop wondering whether the person I needed still loved me or not. Everyday, every hour, every single second when he did not reply me soon enough. I longed for a lasting love without any words to describe that desire accurately, but I can say it would be "I will love you to the end of time", albeit quiet illusionary.
Happiness is a butterfly
I try to catch it like every night
It escapes from my hands into moonlightHappiness Is A Butterfly
But life did not hear my wish, people came to me and vanished afterwards as if it was so usual to be like that. In some cases, I was the first to drop our love, and in the rest, I let them go. I then realized the matter was myself, that I loved my previous persons neither truly nor thoroughly, I was only in the great excitement about something could cheer me up and give me love, even though a few weeks or months later, I dropped them all because I did not feel enough.
They said that love was enough but it wasn't
Fine China
Sometimes love is not enough when the road gets tough I don't know why
Born To Die
How could it be enough while the thing I lacked of was self love? I chased happiness like I was hunting those fragile butterflies in the name of love, but we all can not tell what love really is if it turns us to a dying addict? So I stopped. Things I thought right had functioned wrong, my mind, my heart, and my love. I was incapable of appreciating my own existence, then how was it possible that I managed to adore someone's presence in my life without doing it for my sake? My outlook back then failed at the right time, early enough for me to learn self love before stepping a foot into wrong connection again. My healing progress did not have much music, but I kept listening to Lana Del Rey as a reminder of fullest love to the new one I would possibly meet, and of the lasting love I have not ever ceased to dream of, nevertheless, I would be the one to make it true now instead of expecting for someone to pass by like in the past. Still, first stage had a problem with practicing self love.
You tried to push me out
But I just find my way back in
[...]
There's thing I wanna talk about, but better not to keep
Like if you hold me without hurting me,
you'll be the first who ever didCinnamon Girl
During the progress, I got into a guy with whom I think our relationship was counted as privately toxic. That was when I put him above my feelings, satisfied him as much as possible and received the care and love I wanted, however, I did not live my life while I was with him. He had sort of problems which were not his faults, but I manipulated myself and was manipulated to attach to them and take the responsibility to look after any of his sorrow, at the same time ignoring mine. I tried to love him in the way I had not before, still, nothing worked between us. A huge distance from his touch to my depths, I guess it was because of me persisting in being with him despite all the impossibilities lying in the middle. He was protective, smart, humorous, and loved me. Such intensely that I did not dare to leave, I was hoping for his changes, I was wishing there would have been more similarities to each other, very until time fled. I slowly sensed the missing element in our relationship, that was I was not loved in the way I wanted to be. I got loved, however, I had no clue his so-called love was draining my energy quietly. He gave me the rope when I was at the bottom of the chasm, I grasped it to climb up and mistook that rescue for love, I convinced myself by avoiding the fact that I had wondered about my feelings for him so many times ever since we tagged along. The lyrics of "Cinnamon Girl" from Lana once again related to me so much, although I was healing, I had the thought that "love means hurt sometimes" at the beginning stage, and he kept telling me so, as expected I trusted it. Nonetheless, I could never stop asking why for the thing I believed in every time I turned on the song, and I guess if I had not insisted on finding the answer for it that much, I would not have had been the now me who is typing these words.
Our interaction decreased after the quarantine because of our works and studies, my feelings died out, my aspiration to release myself raged, my patience cut off, our communication deceased, the gap got greater and greater. We did not want to know about each other's day anymore, talking invisibly became a pressure, we were both choked up during that period. One day, I went to the cinema to watch the new movie of Doraemon, then I heard the theme song "Niji" by the end of the movie, of which translated chorus would be
一生そばにいるから
From now on I will be by your side
一生そばにいて
I will be with you for the rest of my life
一生離れないように
We will not have to split apart
一生懸命に
Since I will try my best
I cried my eyes out by the time I heard it. Something had been put underneath my sight for a long time, something I chose to neglect in order to derive pleasure from the unreal euphoria, something belonged to me but I did nothing worse than giving it up, at that moment it just simply poured out of my eyes. I sent the song to him to see whether we could stand a chance to pull everything closer from the huge gap we had left, whether we would get each other through like how I thought we had done, and we could not, and we would not. I knew so well it was time to liberalize us from that suffocating bond, we should no longer torment ourselves. So I left. On December 25th, 2021. We were a wrong thing, but he was the right lesson that taught me to let go of the inappropriate despite its casualness. And ever since, I started putting down the stones around my neck one by one, living my own and completing the tasks of life correctly, including loving myself in the right way, as my last stage of the healing time.
Be my once in a life time
Lying on your chest, in my party dress
I am fucking mess but I
Thanks for the high lifeLove Song
Fortunately, thanks to my healing completion, I found the proper method to balance both self love and romantic adoration. But the urge to build an eternal love which I do not buy yet I desire for, is stably alive.
Because, I want to raise my kids better than my parents did, I want to construct a more secure home than my parents did for their daughters, I want to love somebody within their love towards me unlike to my parents' arranged marriage... What a shame, I no longer can cure the scar in my heart, no matter how much I am determined to. Even so, at least I am willing to give the most selfless love I can afford to the one I want without being disappointed in case he does not want me back, now that I understand how long a wound would take to ease in our hearts, and everybody does have a lasting wound, for which they can not help pushing away the one they need and being unable to give out their best in spite of their wishes. But it is deserved to love and to be loved, and it is alright to feel pain and fall down, we are all just human beings. And love is not something extraordinary. I believe that true love would not cause us agony, even though it is one-sided. I meant, loving is caring and assisting, not possessing and controlling. The person who loves you truly would never mean to hurt you in any circumstances, and in response you would not either if you love them truly. Last but not least, I hope you are all loving and being loved in the rightest way for each other...!
If he's the the serial killer
then what's the worst that can happen to a girl
who's already hurt?
I'm already hurt.
If he's as bad as they say then I guess I am cursed
Looking into his eyes I think he's already hurt
He's already hurt.Happiness Is A Butterfly
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Thanks for bringing this prompt to us 
Images were created by me using PowerPoint MS, elements were picked randomly from Google. Anyway, for the last one, I combined 3 identified paintings so here are the links of them:
The woman painting: Here
The man painting: Here
The background painting: Here