With Remorse, Jenny.

To Lola,

Hey, you. I have been meaning to write this letter to you for a long time now but the words kept getting stuck in my head. I don't know how to tell you everything I have been feeling because even I can't understand it myself. I wish there was a way I could lay bare my thoughts to you. It's why I'm writing this letter to you. In hopes that I can express myself better. In hopes that you would understand that it wasn't intentional.

I didn't mean to snatch the man you loved from you. I never intended to. It just sort of happened and you helped along the way. You were my favorite friend before Priscy. I really liked you, cause you were fun to be with and you know, you were just cool. But at the same time, you demanded a lot. A lot of time and attention. You required a lot which I couldn't give as I didn't even have enough for myself. I tried so hard to love you the best I could, the way I knew how to but it wasn't enough and you kept on fighting and requesting for more. At the same time, you were having issues with Christian. And it was the same thing with me. Your demands. Your requests. You had no peace of mind and you extended it out to people. You loved conflict and drama and you didn't stop until you had issues to pick at.

That was what threw I and Christian together. You. You did it. First, we started talking about you. Just for the record, Christian really liked you. He did but he treasured his happiness and peace more. He always asked me, “Why is she always fighting? Why is nothing ever enough for her?” And I didn't have an answer to that because I also didn’t understand. Maybe it was your way of loving him.

I tried to help you. Tried to make you look good in his sight. I knew you loved him so much and didn't want to lose him and so I tried to amend things between you guys. And just when there is a leeway, you bring up another issue with him. This kept deepening the rift between you both. What I will never understand is why you started getting jealous of me. Why you thought there was anything between I and Christian because there wasn't. All we ever did was talk about books and movies and writing and various things. At some point, we decided to stop talking about you, and we hoped things would just flow. I promise you that what I and Christian had back then was pure unadulterated friendship. And we were both intending to fix things with you.

But you let your jealousy get the best of you and I just couldn't deal anymore. I had to cut off ties with you. You accused me and embarrassed me in front of witnesses. You made me look bad. You hurt me. You really did. Because of what you did, I cut off ties with Christian that night. I told him we couldn't be friends anymore just so peace could reign. I don't know what Christian said or did to you but you came to my room the next day. I thought you had come to apologize for what you did last night but you were only bothered about Christian. You asked me what I said to him, what I had told him. You told me he had blocked you and just then, it dawned on me. The realization that our friendship wasn't what was crucial to you.

You weren't concerned about how I had felt. You were only concerned with the fact that Christian might have cut you off. And even when you broached the issue of what happened last night, you kept on justifying what you did but it was glaring. You thought I visited Christian because I wanted to snatch him from you or something. And the funny thing is that you and Christian are just friends. Just the same way I am friends with him. The sad thing is I went with Priscy to his place. You never accused Priscy but you accused me. In front of your sister and your friends and you thought I would let it slide. You shouted at me, made me feel bad in the worst way. Made me feel dirty. That was easily one of the worst days of my life. Because, I felt so embarrassed, so bad. I resented you after that night.

That's when I knew that with you, it wouldn't end. You would keep on having bouts of jealousy. I knew then that you disliked me, maybe hated me because the friendship between Christian and I was easy and maybe you hated it, because that was what you couldn't achieve.

In coming days, Christian and I got really close. Conversations were never boring with him. It was just one topic after another. We had our issues too but we settled it amicably. Talked it out. Sometimes, you did get in the way almost driving me and him apart but I guess our bond was stronger than that. He made life easier and brighter and he was just there for me. He still is.

I promise that love crept in slowly, taking us unawares. It wasn't forced. It just got in. It took us by surprise, hiding in plain sight. I will never forget the first day he told me he loved me. It is branded in my brain and in my heart forever. And I knew I loved him too. I tried. I tried so hard to not let feelings in because I still wanted you guys to work out. I knew I would still be happy even if it was you and him, not I and him. But you kept botching things up and driving us closer. And well, it's just really hard to cage these feelings and hold back cause the cage was bursting full and at some point, I just had to let go. I just had to set them free unless, I would burst at the seams.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better friend to you. It wasn't intentional. We didn't love each other intentionally. But I need to be happy and Christian makes me happy. I have been through a lot and he has helped me through it all. If I decide to push him away, all the colors and lights that once were would go bleak. I want you to win too and I have tried to put your feelings first because I know what it feels to love somebody with everything and how hard it is when things are not working out with that person. I have been there before. I am still there. But just this once, I want to put myself first. You still hold a soft spot in my heart and I still want to see you win at life, even though we are not and can't be friends anymore. I am sorry that this has to be the long goodbye between us. I am sorry once again.

Goodbye, Lola

With Remorse,
Jenny.