I choose myself.
Jalal al-din Rumi, a Persian poet, says, "Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?".
I have realized that many people are imprisoned by spheres of life and don't even realize it. It can be emotional, mental, social, and even financial imprisonment.
Stay with me as we go on a long drive through an experience of emotional imprisonment.
The danger in being emotionally trapped cannot be overemphasized. It is quiet, unrecognizable until it's almost too late. Love becomes a chain instead of a bond. When you are entangled in a toxic relationship, you start to believe that the pain you feel is your fault, you deserve it or you feel there are ways you can fix things that you haven't attempted. Gradually you lose yourself in the hope that things will change.
I was once that person.
I had just gained admission to the university. Young and naive. Through a friend, I met this guy and fell in love. He was proud and charming. He was studying medicine and surgery, and there i was,an aspirant of the same course, but was denied the opportunity to study it. So having to date this guy closed that gap.
He was at his best in making me special yet worthless. In the beginning, I thought I had found the one, but as time went on, his identity was revealed in the expression wolf in sheep's clothing. The first time he hit me, I was too shocked to react. He cried afterwards, apologized with gifts, and swore it would never happen again. I had no choice but to believe him.
But it happened again and again and again. Each time he returned to me on his knees, promising to change. Soft-hearted me believed that loving someone meant forgiving them no matter what. I didn't want to see him cry or broken, I mean, he meant a lot to me. Whenever I nurtured the thoughts to leave, I countered it by saying What will people say? They loved seeing us together.
How time flies, four years have passed. Four years of locking myself in a shell pretending everything was fine, believing that my love was capable of healing and changing him. I was exhausted, ashamed, but mostly afraid of being alone, starting again, or what if after walking away, no one else loved me?
The day I finally decided to throw caution to the wind by leaving that insecure, bully, and proud stalker was the day I realized that staying was killing me more than leaving ever could without a plan or answer. This time, I had no choice but to listen to the fierce voice that wouldn't stop saying You are worth more. You deserve better.
Breaking up wasn't easy, he issued life-threatening statements, cried, begged, and crawled at my feet, but I had to stay true to my big decision of not going back. It felt like tearing out a part of myself, but gradually, with each passing day, I learnt to love myself more than I loved the hope of who he could be. I learnt that true love is enjoyed not endured. It has nothing to do with bruises, tears inflicted by painful thoughts, or threats disguised as affection.
If you are reading this and you feel emotionally trapped. I want to assure you that you are not alone. You are not irrational or weak for staying and you will not be a narcissist for leaving. You deserve peace, safety, and love that does not hurt.
The bravest thing you will ever do is choose yourself.
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