That evening didn't feel like my regular Saturday evening filled with paperwork and closing of accounts. I had no motivation at all left in me to work. It felt like one part of me was reawakening to a realisation I had never thought about.
I lag silently in my bed in the dark. Only the screen light from my computer and the humming of the air conditioner was all the lightning and background noise I needed. It suited my reflective state perfectly.
I placed my palms on my cheeks. It was almost freezing. Thanks to the chill from the AC. Lazily I pushed myself off the bed and dragged my feet to the kitchen. Putting on my electric jug which had my favourite tea inside, I turned and pulled myself up to sit on the kitchen counter. I looked around my kitchen then I smiled.
"How did I get here?" I asked myself.
No, I wasn't doubting myself or feeling guilty for anything at all. I was just in awe of the growth and gifts life has given me over time.
Just that skinny girl fresh out from a university from the east who came to Lagos with only her dreams and a travelling bag. Then I shut my eyes as the flashbacks of the time past flooded my mind.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" Papa had asked me when he saw me off at the park.
I remember taking a deep breath. At that point, I couldn't tell if what I wanted was the best decision. But I knew I just had to go
"Only time will tell" was all I could reply to Papa.
"God be with you, and in times to come, may we only talk of the gifts that came with it," Papa had said.
I couldn't tell if that was a prayer, but I nodded my head and replied "Amen".
Trust me, the journey wasn't easy, for time did test me. Hours of nonstop work, cramped in that tiny office in a small microfinance bank. Where only the sound of the rusted ceiling fan was my only companion. Long hours with pay that was barely enough to cover my transportation and food. Days I cried silently in overcrowded buses on my way home.
I could still hear Kachi's voice over the phone as I complained to her about how I was draining myself to my last energy every day for a meagre pay. Kachi had been a good friend since childhood.
"Zerah, are you sure that corporate life is for you? Come back and learn a trade here like me. You'll have enough time for yourself" she had advised.
“Kachi, relax, it's just for the meantime. One day, with time it'll get better.” I smiled weakly, trying hard to believe what I had just said.
I heard the jug whistle loudly, jolting me back to reality. I quickly poured myself a cup and took a sip. Its hotness burnt my tongue, but I was that weird human that derives satisfaction from the burning of a hot tea to my tongue.
I shook my head and stuck my tongue out, trying to cool my tongue off the hurt. Then I walked back to my room with a new feeling of pride and accomplishment washing over me. Getting to my room, instead of opting for my bed, I walked to the window and let it open. The night view felt soothing, so I stood there and took it all in.
Then the flashbacks came again. This time, it was the voice of my boss, Mr Ade, as he had called me into his office that morning to announce my first reward for being patient and consistent over time.
"Congratulations Zerah. After you sealed your last deal with your biggest client, we believe it's time to be moved to a higher level" he had said, handing me a letter.
I couldn't find the words to reply to him for some seconds. All I could do was stare at the letter in my hands trying to hold back the tears gathering in my eyes.
"I know. I felt the same way too on my first promotion" my boss had said.
I nodded and said "Thank you".
I finally let the tears out on my way home from work. The conductor shouting destinations fading in the background. I remember calling Papa and Mama to tell them that time was finally starting to unleash the gifts it had in store for me.
Little did I know that inside those gifts were tiny hurdles that needed scaling too for a bigger one. After my promotion, I did my best to be in the good books of the organisation until one mistake on a major client's portfolio nearly cost me everything.
"How careless can you be, Zerah?" Mr Ade had asked angrily.
"I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again" I had apologised with my face to the ground.
"We'll see to that when you're back from your suspension" he added, pushing the letter over to me.
I had cried myself to sleep that night and other nights that came after it. Until I was tired of crying.
I sighed and took a sip of my tea again, but this time it was already cold. I dropped the cup by the table in my room, shut the window and walked back to my bed. Like dominos, I let myself fall on the bed.
"Time will tell" My words to Papa at the park echoed in my ears.
I adjusted myself in bed and smiled. Knowing deep down that time did tell. From the memories of the days I lost, cried and felt like giving up. Of memories of the days won, rejoiced and found more motivation to keep moving. Of the present and how I'm grateful for the beautiful gifts and lessons that time has brought in its wake. Knowing that one day in the future I'll look back at this moment with gratitude.
But for now, I'll keep savoring and embracing myself with the gift
I own the picture above