My bags are packed and I'm ready to leave India and headed to Thailand! Its been a pretty intense 4 months here in the sacred town of Puttaparthi and i feel that now i have managed to let go of Portugal and really come back to my heart a bit more. It has been a time of sitting and processing, going through deep emotions and woundings from my whole life and integrating them more. It has been a time to do nothing and be totally OK with it. I have had no desires, no direction, nothing to do except just be.
Amazingly i have stopped smoking, which is something that has just vanished from my life.. I cant say i miss it at all.. even though at times i crave it.. When i do i realise that it doesn't help at all.. it is just a distraction, a crutch, but it really does not help me,.. and is a never ending cycle.
I plan to visit Thailand for one month, and will spend most of my time in the South in some of the beautiful Islands.. I have to say that the things i am looking most forward to are.. massage, AMAZING food, and the beautiful beaches and sea.. WHilst i did miss India food when i was in Portugal, after four months i cant really handle it any longer! My body is changing and my digestion is changing.. Maybe its to do with getting older, or maybe I am just more sensitive.. the bottom line is i am looking for much more gentle food, with less spice.. WHilst THai food is not really that at all, they do have so much more variety to offer in any of the very many vegetarian and vegan restaurants there.
I have already watched all of the Vegan tours of Phuket and plan to visit them all and vlog them.. I consider good healthy nurturing good to be of prime importance to our health as well as our emotional well being. I don't think most people realise how much our food affects our feelings.. What happens in our guts have massive effect on how we feel, our mood and much more..
What else will i do with my time there? Lets see! I hope to continue to meditate, and maybe I will find a nice group to meditate with. Until now i have always meditated alone, but maybe it will be good to join a group, which can help me to go deeper and improve. I also want to swim in the sea a lot. I think its great exercise and the salt water is very healing and cleansing..
I keep joking to myself and friends that i will come back to India skinny because im going to do liposuction! lol! I have to be honest, id LOVE to do it because what easier way to get slim again. OF COURSE i wont do it, but its just one of those things that i have been struggling to fix for a long time now. Its very strange and frustrating as i was super skinny my whole life, and now i really don't like looking at myself in the mirror or any photos any more.. How we judge ourselves.. and each other! Of course there is another way, and I will try my best to go down that route. The solution is exercise! I dont eat much in the way of sugar and fat these days, so im sure that the problem is my metabolism and lack of exercise.. at least i hope so!!
Life is at an interesting juncture right now. When i come back in a month im not exactly sure if I will stay here in this spiritual village, or if i will move on. I could in theory spend more time in Thailand, which is a place I do like very much.. Its so beautiful there, cheap to live, and i can look after myself much more easily than here in India.. I have another option too which is to spend time in a special small Yoga Ashram in Rishikesh. That is a hard route as the climate there is hot or cold, and the lifestyle is quite strict and challenging. No onion, garlic, very simple minimal food, no frills, and lots of hard work outside, along with daily meditation and yoga. Im not sure if this is something that i want to do yet, but i hope my time in THailand will help me decide.
Life is so strange really.. i have to say that at this stage in my life I am feeling quite disillusioned and detached from everything. I watch the way that our world operates and how the people of this world react and engage with it all. Whilst deep in my heart i feel great hope and peace, I also feel great frustration at how people continue to believe all that they are told and takes sides. I have reached the point that i don't want to engage with things at all, and as everyday passes i feel more and more that the ONLY productive thing i can do is to meditate and do nothing at all.
Perhaps it is an existential epiphany, or perhaps im just fed up.. either way, i realise that there is no point in doing anything or saying anything anymore about the world, or the problems that we seem to face. IN a way it is a path to peace, because when there is no point in trying to change things in the external world, and just work instead on my internal world, i feel that change is possible.. because all of our fear, misery and challenges are actually in our heads and our hearts. I am learning that nothing external to us is of much importance to us at all. IN the end all we will take with us from this world is our character.
Much love to you all! Next post will be from Thailand.. probably eating some delectable food! i hope! <3