Gather around, make some popcorn, because I've got a story to tell! This weekend SUCKED! Just saying. How did it suck? Why did it suck? Great questions! Pull up a chair...
So, my sister in law got married on Saturday. Congratulations to D and N, by the way. They're awesome and I love them both. She couldn't have picked a better person to marry. The wedding was to be had at N's parents' house in Iowa. 
We listened to crime documentaries on youtube for a good chunk of the trip, saw cows, horses, and lots and lots of corn. No disrespect to Iowa or the people that live there, they're good people, but there is absolutely NOTHING THERE!
Anyways, we're doing about 75mph down the interstate when I notice the engine is acting funny. It's bouncing up and down from 3000 to 4000 RPMs, gunning the throttle and then backing down. And it's doing this roughly one cycle per second. I'm thinking this is odd, so I turn off the cruise control, reduce speed, and try to keep it at 70. All of a sudden, we shoot up to 6000 RPMs. Something is definitely not right.
We pull over to the side of the road, put the car in park, put it back into drive, and try to get up to speed again. It gets to 20mph, and doesn't shift into 2nd gear! We stop again, I get out, check the transmission fluid, it looks bone dry. Like it had a slow leak or something. Great, just what I need. We start idling down the shoulder of the interstate at 20mph, down the 3 or so miles it took to reach the next gas station. We pull in, I get out, and I hear that unmistakable sound that nobody wants to hear:
"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"
Just what I needed! While driving down the shoulder, we picked up a hunk of metal in the left rear tire. And it's leaking air FAST. I get the car over to the air pump (which charges $1.88 for 3 1/2 minutes of air, fuck you very much), get a can of fix a flat from inside, and try to at least patch this leak enough that I can continue to Cedar Rapids. I figure we can add some transmission fluid, top it off, fix the tire, we'll still make it. It's 2:30 and the wedding is at 6:00. We got this.
I sent a text letting my in laws know that we ran into some car trouble, where we were at, and that we were going to fix this. And then I found out the abysmal truth.
We booked a hotel in Cedar Rapids, IA. The wedding was in Cedar Falls, IA.
And we're in Urbana, about 30 minutes from Cedar Rapids!
Yeah, that sucked. I booked a hotel IN THE WRONG FUCKING CITY! When I realized my mistake, I let out an audible "Oh fuck..." which surprised the three ladies looking at the bottles of liquor right next to me. They thought I was talking about them and their alcohol choices! No, sister. If I could have, I would have downed that whole bottle of Jack Daniel's Honey Whiskey sitting on the shelf in front of me, I needed to get this day completely out of my head!
So I called roadside assistance once, with a plan in mind. I had the spare tire, I could drive to Cedar Falls, cancel the reservation in Cedar Rapids, and grab a new reservation in Cedar Falls. Bam, plan in action. I didn't have the wrench to get the spare on, or I would have done it myself. My dumb ass left it in my OTHER CAR, WITH THE BREAKER BAR AND TORQUE WRENCH!!!
Ugh...
So the towing guy comes out, gets the spare on, And helps me check the transmission fluid levels again. And this time, the dipstick is looking fine! I'm down maybe half a quart, but nothing major enough to cause the transmission to slip. So we add about 1/4 of a quart, I test the car out. It has a little trouble getting into 2nd gear, but it does. And that's good enough for me. I turn around, let the guy know I'm good, and we go to leave.
Or so we thought!
We pull out of the parking lot, and we get a wrench icon on the dash. What is that icon, you ask? DRIVETRAIN FAULT! On AWD vehicles, it means there's something wrong with the AWD system. On a front wheel drive car like mine, that means the transmission is shot.
So now we're really up shit creek! At this point, it's almost 5, we've been there for over 3 hours, my wife is pissed off, I'm pissed off, and I'm back at square 1. I make arrangements for a tow, my brother in law comes to pick us up, we have to remove everything out of the car, because there's a very real chance this 2007 Ford Fusion is totaled.
He shows up after the ceremony is over, so we missed almost the entire thing. We're late to the reception, I haven't even changed, my wife changed in the bathroom of a gas station convenience store, I have to change in the bathroom of their house so I don't look like a total slob, and we barely made it for the evening's festivites.
I got a ride home with my in laws, thankfully, and now we're waiting for the transmission shop to open up on Monday and take a look at the car. I'm picking up a rental tomorrow, so we're not completely down a car, and we'll make it work. It's just...oof.
I'm ready for this weekend to be over...