Trigger Warning: this post contains an anecdotal, stream-of-consciousness discussion concerning personal struggles with suicide and experiences with gaslighting.
Where the fuck to begin? I find myself again at a point in my life where it feels like I'm starting over (many endings and simultaneous beginnings), and in a number of ways, it absolutely is. Or has already. Or something.
There's a lot of really weird grief in it, and there's an anticipation for the future that has along with it the most unparalleled optimism and boldness I've ever known in my entire life. Life right now feels equal parts the-shittiest-shitbox-to-ever-exist and the-most-beautiful. It's all painful. Parts of it feels painful because it hurts so much, and parts of it feel painful because it's so beautiful. The ends of this emotional spectrum feel at perpetual odds in my heart and in my brain...all the time. I am emotionally exhausted.
(There is, of course, so much more to all of this, but I can't and won't even go there here now.)
Secondary Warning: This post does contain anecdotal, and perhaps even casual discussion about suicide. I'm not trying to be PC or to please anyone in this post. This post is about venting, and it's literally about my mental health. I have appreciated this community for your lack of judgement in moments of crisis for years, and I'm here again. That said, if you're not into reading total stream-of-consciousness word vomit about someone's life and mental health issues, then please pick another blog to start reading now. Hahahaha I want to be very clear about everything that follows. Additionally, if you're offended at all by cursing, please pick another blog to read today.
Everything feels shaken. There's perhaps two elements of my life that feel solid right now, and I'm beyond grateful for those two pieces of certainty, but even in that certainty exists even more question marks.
I know I keep saying this when I pop back up after a being gone for a week/month/year, but seriously, and more than ever--shit is going down over here, y'all, and I mean that in every single possible way I could.
wtf is happening rn
I'm having acute moments of low recently. Moments that are reminiscent of the ones I used to have before I got California Sober. When I was actively living in my addiction, I think I gave myself an excuse to feel this way--to get really low. I'd blame the alcohol, or use the alcohol to cope--did the same thing with the pills, too. I lived like that for a long time--my cycles of anger and sadness are very real--and I spend alot of energy trying to keep alot of that shit in check, so when my scales tip? I get scared. In my addiction, when I got scared, I used. Easy peasy. Just turn the volume down. Obviously, the drugs made nothing go away, in fact, the old adage rings true: the drugs only made things worse.
above photo: me, living in my addiction(s)
Flash forward. I got sober, and I also found Jesus again, and so many things made so much sense. Life was beautiful again...and not just like okay...but like really good. Hell, you can even look back at my previous posts from that era a couple of years ago and see it in my text. I was so excited about life, and like a fucking idiot, I thought I had it all figured out. I felt confident.
projection =/= reality
However, like so many things and phases in my life (realizing this only now), I'm not sure any of it was even rooted in reality. It was rooted in a picture of what I wanted it to be. Projections. A happy little delusion that I could sit in and find some kind of illusion of a façade of happiness.
And maybe it was happiness. I don't know. Sobriety brings such a freshness and newness when the withdrawals wear off, and I was drunk on sobriety for over a year, for sure.
I was also drunk on Jesus, and chasing everything concerning the Bible and just feeling so alive doing that. I felt like I was on the right track, and today I have no idea...literally zero concept of what the right track looks like. If there's one right track or if there are lots of tracks that are right, and maybe perhaps there's no track at all, and we're just building tracks because it feels good and gives us something to live for. I'm done pretending that I have that shit figured out.
I realize the more a person becomes aware, the more bullshit there is to dig through. If I've seen it, I can no longer ignore it. Over the entirety of 2022, I've felt myself growing, and along with it have been some incredible growing pains. Quick growth. Revolutionary growth. Increased awareness.
TW/CW
Years ago, I spoke here briefly and sometimes cryptically about the perpetual suicidal ideation that has plagued my brain for years. I've been described by someone very close to me as, "pretty much always lowkey suicidal," and I think that's a pretty good statement. It's been a thing in my life, a weird persistent demon, for a long time. And...before anyone reading this (fucking hell if anyone is even reading this lolol), let me be very clear. I am not currently actually suicidal. For me, being "lowkey suicidal" and actually suicidal are very different things. I've been suicidal. I'm not there now. But the ideation is so strong, and it's a monster of its own.
My ideation shows up like this: I will absolutely become obsessed with the idea that my dying would be the literal perfect solution. I see it as the obvious solution to all of my problems, and the problems of the people who are negatively impacted by my choices or when my problems splatter out all over everyone around me like a water balloon filled with blood. A truly powerful intrusive thought.
This intrusive thought is a succubus. It's pervasive and gets firmly planted in my brain and will not leave, no matter how many clever CBT strategies I employ and how much I try tapping or the myriad of other strategies I've tried over the years.
And yeah, this stuff totally works. The problem is that nothing works all of the time, and the time I usually need it to work is the time I can't seem to get anything to work.
I know people who utilize these methods with so much success, and I'm so happy for them. It's not been my experience for me, but I'm by no means speaking for how any of these things will work for anyone. Also, if you struggle with this stuff too and you haven't tried these linked methods, I highly recommend trying them out to see if they work for you, but I'm not in any position to offer advice on anything--I'm just a rambling poet. Take my words for what they're worth here.
cringe: i gaslight myself.
Anyway, this unfuck-my-own-mind stuff has been with me and years and years. I try to be pretty fucking self-aware, but I feel like a complete ignoramus sometimes, because for all the minutiae that I am painfully aware, I've also been completely ignorant to a number of behaviors and thoughts going on with me for a long time that are so personally toxic. I gaslight myself, y'all. Hardcore.
According to an article by Forbes:
The problem with identifying self-gaslighting is that it may have already become part of your mindset.
There are several signs that this is a problem:
You minimize your own feelings.
You constantly blame yourself.
You doubt yourself.
You are your own worst critic.
You question yourself, including your memory.When you gaslight yourself, you put a negative spin on your life but at the same time, you think things could always be worse or that it’s all in your head.
When you gaslight yourself, you put a negative spin on your life but at the same time, you think things could always be worse or that it’s all in your head.
I am so frustrated, and this quotation really sums up a good portion of my intrusive thoughts, as well as seeming to explain why I have spun out to the point where suicidal ideation has become so normal to me that it always surprises me when it shocks people, worries them, or throws them off. It also describes how I feel about everything most of the time. It's why I don't talk about it, because it's just so much easier to not have to explain what this really feels like:
- Yes, I lowkey feel like dying.
- No, I'm not going to kill myself.
- I promise it's not a big deal.
I understand how this could be difficult to hear, and potentially even more difficult to understand, but it's a millstone that's been with me mostly since I was 19. ...and it just is.
So to bring all of this together--basically (and bluntly), I'm coming to this realization that I gaslight myself so hard that it occasionally makes me want to kill myself. Hoping that seeing it as such will help me to finally put it to bed and move on from the bondage of chronic suicidal ideation. Maybe. Probably not. But, it's a starting point. A more promising starting point than I've felt in years.
gaslighting ugh.
So occasionally, I have a campaign. Lately, I've been calling out gaslighting everywhere. Just like an entire world of Where's Waldo, I've been finding instances of gaslighting everywhere. My campaign, about which I have not been quiet (at all), is essentially to just call it out when I see it, regardless of whether it's happening to me or to someone else. I'm calling that shit out.
I firmly believe that most people gaslight others because they get away with it, and I genuinely believe that people do not know what gaslighting always actually looks like--and I'm about some public fucking education these days, folks. The last time my band played a show, I was ranting about it before the set with a friend about her piece-of-shit husband who is an actual gaslight--like the man is capable of speaking only in gaslighting. Anyway. That's another post.
The point is that I gaslight myself and if I'm calling out people I don't even know, I need to absolutely make sure I am turning that mirror inward...and it's so toxic, you guys. Respect yourself and stop tolerating it, even if it's you you're gaslighting. Zero tolerance. Call it what it is. Give it a name.
If you want to know more about what gaslighting looks like, or you'd just like some more resources on that subject, here are some links:
What is Gaslighting? Learn the Warning Signs
How To Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting Examples: 6 Things Abusers Will Say
...if you're gaslighting others or yourself: JUST FUCKING STOP.
pivot: some music talk now
I've been going through alot of my old recordings lately. When I am in points of emotional crisis, I have a tendency to revisit old recordings. It's a vibe. Anyway, this is one of my favorite recordings of one of my favorite songs to sing with my favorite person with whom I play music.
There are some of us of a certain age who were very impacted by Dashboard Confessional in the early 2000s. I was definitely one of those people. These songs were so much the fabric of the angst that fueled my early twenties.
This particular cover track was recorded in 2004 or 2005. There's a small possibility it was recorded in 2003, but I'm pretty sure it was after that. I am thankful we recorded it when we did, because it captures the essence of the emotion behind this song--to do justice both to the original song and to the true weight that this song contains to me. It would sound differently now: not only because I smoked for another 20 years after this song was recorded, but also because singing it now feels differently than it did 20 years ago, obviously, right?
I really have no idea why I've never shared this here or talked about it before. It's an important song and important recording to my personal history, and that's the kind of shit I seem to barf all over my posts here.
...and if you're still reading, thank you. You don't even realize how much it means to me.
Want to give a quick shoutout to some folks for sharing my last post, which is a new music video and a track I'm working on for the new album. Definitely check it out if you haven't, and I appreciate your shares so much:
I also want to take a hot minute to thank my ardent supporters here on Hive who always upvote my posts and make me not only feel seen but truly valued in this community. I think you know who you are, and I know you don't like being called out directly, so I won't tag you...but thank you.
Thank you for always being so awesome. I greatly appreciate your suggestions, upvotes, reblogs, follows, and comments. The genuine spirit of creation, sharing, and constructive transparency in this community are what make it so special.
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Click here to read my very first intro post from 2016--wow, that's a long time ago.
ALL proceeds from my Hive account go toward furthering my career as a real-life, full-time artist and creator. It's a dream that you help make possible. This includes needed equipment, recording costs, gas to and from out of state gigs, and things like food when I'm on the road. To be a full-time creator has been my goal for as long as I can remember, and your upvotes absolutely help me to sustain that. All of my love and thanks to you.💚
All photos, unless otherwise credited, are taken or chopped/screwed/edited/altered by me and are hosted either here or at Imgur. Stock photos are commercially designated and used with permission from Pexels, and banners are made using Canva for iOS.
for more assorted randomness!ALL proceeds from my Hive account go toward furthering my career as a real-life, full-time artist and creator. It's a dream that you help make possible. This includes needed equipment, recording costs, gas to and from out of state gigs, and things like food when I'm on the road. To be a full-time creator has been my goal for as long as I can remember, and your upvotes absolutely help me to sustain that. All of my love and thanks to you.💚
All photos, unless otherwise credited, are taken or chopped/screwed/edited/altered by me and are hosted either here or at Imgur. Stock photos are commercially designated and used with permission from Pexels, and banners are made using Canva for iOS.