Depression. I call it the silent killer. It has taken me more than a decade to come to this conclusion, but it finally makes sense. My first post of the year, and I want to start this year on a different note.
Having being diagnosed with clinical depression 12 years ago and later with bipolar disorder, it has been a rocky ride. I have realized that not many people speak openly about it. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of information and awareness out there regarding mental health issues. I have yet to see communities of real people being real and open about their everyday challenges.
Living with the condition all I can do is talk about myself and my own personal journey. Lets start here. How are you really? This question is often not asked sincerely and more often not answered truthfully. Its very easy to go with
I'm okay
I'm fine
I'm blessed and highly favored.
There might be some truth behind these, but deep down how are you really doing?
Well, I find that this is the most difficult question to answer. With all the counseling, medication, meditation, breathing techniques, hobbies and self help materials out there, one is never just OK. Everyday is a constant battle, constant self talk, constant negotiation with self to just get the basic of things done. Yes, some days better than others. Most days trying to convince loved ones around you that you are OK. That is when the power is given away to this silent killer to its job thoroughly. The thought of being a burden and letting your true feelings out is more depressing, so we tend to spare our loved ones from that. This is not how we survive, this is how we die.
I've been holding up pretty well, or so I thought.
But if I had to be honest with myself and where I am at, this would be the best illustration of the image I tirelessly hide from everyone.
Candid and exposed, we need to start being real.
For the last two months at least, I have not found any joy in doing the things that make me feel good, The smile has felt like a heavy weight and melts away the moment I am alone. This is depression. I know it and I fight it everyday of my life. What a relief! Saying this out loud and writing this post feels like such a weight lifted from my shoulders.
Silent killer Silenced.
The only way to combat this is through open communication and finding positive ways to express yourself. I have been in denial for so many years. Blatantly disregarded my diagnosis with the belief that if I say it out loud, I am owning it, so I refused. Honestly that did not lead me anywhere but through a dark valley filled with despair and multiple suicide attempts.
The stigma and shame that goes with it may be loud, but it is not worth the silent death. Not this year. I choose to be loud and proud.
Check on your loved ones. Check on yourself. How are you really?
Don't die in silence, be loud and silence the silent killer.
Ladymwatsi in and out