Today, I sit here, unsure of what words to share here. All I know is that I NEED to share something.
A few days ago, my beautiful little sister committed suicide. It was completely unexpected by every single person in her life, including myself.
She never once spoke out about what pain she was feeling inside. She never asked any of us for help. She never even mentioned that she was considering any means necessary to escape what she felt was a life of pain.
As I read some of her notes, a picture begins to paint itself upon the tapestry of my mind.
A beautiful soul, troubled by a neverending situation with an "ex" boyfriend, one whom she was continuing to still see regularly despite being broken up.
One tormented by gaslighting, body shaming (my sister was NOT by any means ugly/obese/etc - this is absolutely fucking absurd to even consider to be true). Constantly questioning her own sanity, validity, and sense of self.
The fact that a single disturbed man, a narcissist and egomaniac (and potentially even a sociopath), whom was in her life only a little over a year, could completely dominate her mind, and essentially destroy the fabric of every other bond and relationship she had with friends and family, is absolutely heartbreaking and infuriating.
This 'person' (it disgusts me to even call him a person, he's a fucking monster) took my sister away from us all through emotional abuse, psychological warfare, mental and physical shaming, and the list goes on and on and on...
Every ounce of me is determined to get to the bottom of this. We all seek the truth. With each passing day, the more notes of hers I read, the more information I learn from her friends and anonymous tips that comes in, the more I realize that this monster has to be stopped. This isn't his first, and it won't be his last.
I will find the truth, and I will make it my mission to ensure that he never is able to spread his poison and toxicity to another woman (or anyone, for that matter), by using any legal means necessary to find some justice.
But enough about this asshole for now...
--
The Wake for my beautiful sister is in a few short hours. The Funeral, tomorrow.
I'm to be a Pallbearer for the first time in my life - never, in a million years, did I think it would be for my own sister...
She was active in the car scene in our area - she loved her Mistubishi Evo and went by a moniker known by everyone in the scene here (which I won't share as respct for her privacy).
I've withheld my tears (for the most part) since I've arrived home. My family is broken. My heart is rended, a giant void replacing what once was where my "sissy" belonged. I don't know how to fix that void; I don't know if that emptiness will ever be filled with anything happy. Clinging on to the thousands of photos (we are so lucky that she and her friends loved taking pictures all the time) and the pup she left behind (a German Shephard barely a year and a half old) is all I have left of her.
I hate saying goodbye - it implicates finality and absoluteness. Instead, I will send her off tomorrow with a "see you later, kiddo", until the day that I pass into the Afterlife myself.
My only wish is that she's no longer in pain, no longer tormented by this piece of shit, no longer feeling like she has to keep everything bottled within, only to absolve herself of all emotional and mental pain by ending her own life.
Heh.
It's ironic, you know...
The act of ending ones own life to end their suffering, indeed ends the worldly pain of that person, but instead spreads it like a disease, afflicting every life ever touched by them. Some may argue this isn't fair; that suicide is a selfish act.
I'd argue the contrary.
I'm willing to bear the pain of losing my only sibling - as long as I know that she no longer suffers. It devastates me and breaks my heart, but if she is in a better place and at peace, then I will bear this loss, knowing that she's free from suffering. To me, that is all that matters - that she no longer hurts.
I would share photos, but I'm not comfortable sharing them quite yet - maybe in a future post, I will.
I've decided that my time to mourn will be after my family has grieved, and are at least beginning to move to the next stage of grief.
For now, I will be the rock.
I'm the only remaining son, and no parent should EVER have to bury their own child, especially one with so much life ahead of them. Being there for them and the rest of our family is my main focus right now. Justice will be had once she's been laid to rest, and we are able to shift our energy and pain towards doing something good.
We also plan on establishing a memorial/foundation in her honor, one that will most likely focus on helping spread Mental Health Awareness / Suicide Prevention. Her life, although the brightly burning star it once was, will not be lost in vain - her star will burn brighter than ever through the good that this can bring.
Helping another family recognize and prevent suicides within their families and communities will be another part of her legacy that will continue to live on, and the good that will hopefully stem from it, a tribute to her memory and beautiful life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed a way to share, and right now, this feels like a place where I can share without judgement, or criticism, or hatred. Even a rock needs even ground to rest upon, lest it tumble and roll, shattering and crushing anything in its path.
I love you sissy. Know that not a moment goes by where you're not on my mind, and how badly I wish I could spend just one more day with you. It hurts knowing that we will never get to do some of the things we wanted to do together, but know that I WILL live a life you'd be proud of, one that will honor your memory.
I close this entry with a black heart, since black was your favorite color, and you always said it was your favorite because it was "Black like my Soul" - but we all knew that the reality was so far from it. 😭❤️🖤
-Bubba