Growing up, I was not the kind of girl to hold grudges. I think that’s because I grew up amongst boys. I saw how my brothers could easily fight and come close to killing each other in the next minute would be seen playing GTA. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you all the hard time I had in Senior High School was because I was always confused about how the whole girls “grudges” worked. Yes, I went to a Girls School.I mean I had adapted to the “boys” lifestyle and these girls fights seem weird.
Gradually I transitioned from that lifestyle and settled in the whole girls lifestyle. It took me a while to understand how the whole grudges thing even worked,I mean a year is a while right?(yes that’s how long it took me)
In the beginning,I was literally pretending like I was hurt and holding on to the things people did to me.
The interesting discovery I made was that I actually found it hard to forgive people who hurt me. An upclose discovery I made was that, it was rather easy for me to forget what people did to me even without really forgiving them. To me, forgiveness was a bitter pill to swallow.
It affected me and led me to make some questionable choices in Senior High School.
Let’s talk about now. It’s so hard for me just look at you and remember all that you did to me and tell you to go and sin no more. No, don’t get me wrong.The thing about me is even though I fully really won’t let go, I also won’t hold onto it. You might be asking how?
There’s this “important” person in my life who is no more in my life but still important. He hurt me really bad and honestly I can’t really find myself forgiving him but the thing is I am not angry, I’m not bitter, I’m no more hurt.
Trust me when I say I sometimes have to close my eyes before remembering what he did because as I said my adaptation is to forget. I don’t know if that’s a type of forgiveness, but I think it’s everyone and what works for them(Since forgiving is a hard thing for me, I just choose to forget). Thankfully, I’m lowkey nonchalant too so things don’t really bother me but when they do, it’s harder for me to forgive than it is for me to forget(Read that again). The moment I can’t really remember what you did, it’s fine because to me that’s way better than forcing myself to forgive.
Trust me,forgiving is really hard and forgetting is also not easy. They are both hard especially if you are deeply hurt but I found out what works for me and chose to stick to my “hard”. I wont really tell you what to do but you know yourself so it’s better to be honest with yourself and choose your hard.