I remember one evening when I was having a chat with my friend, nothing too serious, you know. Just having some small talk about living our lives, I think that was a few days after our last semester's exam, how stressful it has all been, and how it's as if everyone is just barely hanging in there. Then my friend made a statement that caught all my attention and made me pause. She said,
“Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore, I feel like I keep doing things just to please people.”
I knew what those words meant right away, 'cos I've been there. I made her understand that I've once felt that same way before. It’s a time you begin to abandon your values in order to maintain harmony and peace. It’s at that point that the topic turned from school, life and stress to personal values.
I told my friend that personal principles are the things you fall back on when things get confusing in your life. They’re the things that make you say no when it’s easier to say yes. My friend was so interested in this particular topic that she asked how I came up with mine, I mean these personal principles.
I made her understand that all these honestly, came through mistakes.
We laughed really hard because it was true. We both flashed back to those days when I say “yes” to everything no matter how uncomfortable it might seem.
I talked about how I've realized the importance of integrity to me. I sincerely can’t put up a facade anymore and act like everything is fine when it isn’t. This is because peace is more important to me than acceptance. I also informed her that “I've stepped back from situations that didn’t feel right to me even when it hurt because peace is more important to me than acceptance.” These are simple principles you can just make to feel lighter most times.
Then we discussed kindness. I try my best to be kind because life is tough enough on everybody, but kindness with no boundaries leaves me drained. My friend nodded in acceptance to what I said.
She brought up growth too, the fact that you don't become someone else when you change, it’s like you are expanding your horizons by learning new things. I assured her that I'm no longer embarrassed by the need to outgrow the habits and mentalities of the past and the fear of staying the same instead of experiencing growth.
Growth is all about intentional learning and self development.
I just think I’ve been living my life on autopilot. I made her understand that my purpose of living fully, on purpose, is something that I myself continue to work on, meaning how I live, how I react, and how I select the people around me to be around me.
At one point we ended our conversation, because we both realized that by the end of our discussions, we had understood the significance of the fact that "personal values aren’t loud." They do not proclaim themselves, instead, they emerge silently through your interaction with people, your limits, and your choices when you are alone.
We didn't work through all our issues that evening, but after our conversation, we both felt like a weight had been lifted, especially my friend. Sometimes all it takes is a straight-shooting conversation with a friend to remind you who you are and what's truly important.
Maybe you should try this out with a friend too.