I used to be a shy young man, some years ago, it was really hard for me to communicate with strangers generally and specifically with women, oh god, I used to shit myself in front of a woman even more if I liked her, I remember myself changing away the sidewalk of a street just not to cross with any crush I had at the time who couñd be coming in the oppositedirection. I was totally afraid to speak in front of an audience or do anything else.
BUT I WAS A DREAMER.
I dreamed in my early youth of so many things but none of those helped me decide at the time what I wanted to be.I liked a lot of stuff, but nothing to build a smiley fullfilled future.
Somehow, one day, I found my self dancing, don't know how exactly got there, and friends flattering me for my good dancing moves, maybe my body was responding to some like I didn't had realized yet i actually had. Dancing gave me the chance to disinhibit myself(mean my body, my tongue was still quite frozen) and to be a part of an amateur dancing group that was formed in my town with some young men and women who just wanted have fun.
That's when I felt it the first time. To be on a stage, no matter the size, no matter the place(we were dancing in many places, festivals and stuff,...even won some too), it was amazing, made me feel like a real artist, made me feel free, full, happy, excited, complete.
At the time I was already studying accountancy at the university, not that I liked very much, but I was good with numbers and had to be practical, according to my father's standards, had to look forward to the future.
I was sure I liked dancing and music very much, but, I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted to do or if I was good enough to get into that world, at the time channels to chase any art dream weren't entirely clear or easy to get, not to mention that that was an idea my father would had never approved or understood.
Shame on me
Honestly I was afraid(in the end those were just dreams, I was a dreamer, maybe mi mind was flying too much and too high) I wasn't being as objective as I should given the situation. I had nobody to ask for and get a good straight honest and objective opinion, so, my choice was backing down without even making a try.
I have a friend that left the university in the second year, because he said he didn't like and want to study economy, that it was boring, that what he really liked was theater, so, he went, fought for it and became a Dramaturg after 5 years. That's chasing a dream properly .
Me, I wasn't brave enough to chase my dream whatever it was, I lacked courage to stand and fight for what maybe could have made me happy.
It's not enough to be good at something, eventually you get bored of it, frustrated around it and get to a dead end that leads you nowhere nice and nowhere in deed.
I see dancers and musicians now and think, that could have been me if at least I had give it a shot.
I have a guitar at home, it's been here for so long, it was my brother's,he could learn how to play, first steps at least until he was not around anymore, I have never even try learning or maybe tried to study music or singing, anyway...
Sometimes now I dare and sing for Vibes, might be good or bad, and guess what? It makes me so happy, I enjoy it a lot, as I enjoy writing and sharing thoughts, I'm not shy anymore, I lost shyness on the road, that's one of the good things of this road, but I lost more than that, I lost a few chances that won't come back, chances to live or try to the way I wanted, to be happy, to do whatever could I could have enjoyed and have fulfilled me.
There is now an empty space in there, in here,...inside me, it might be late, sure it is, might be not, there are so many obstacles...here I go again in circles, reduced by fear, pessimism and uncertainty...shame on me.
Image(s) on the post are my own.
No translation support this time, please forgive any gramatical error, English´s not my home language.