When I was younger, I taught English literature to high school graduates, which was a fun job for me and provided additional income. I had this guy who introduced me to the easy money. It was easy money because we were paid hourly, and sometimes I worked two hours in a day without feeling like I was working. The person who introduced me to the business could work 6 to 8 hours per day, and sometimes what he earned in a week was more than I earned in a month at my full-time job.
This usually made me wish I could do the same thing, but aside from the fact that he was a genius, he had more energy than I did. He was very fit and in good shape, whereas I could not go more than two hours without passing out.
He had the energy and the money, and as much as I pushed myself to go further, it was pointless to do what another person could easily do. He had a perfect life, and most of the time I wished I could have it; he could do whatever he wanted, made all the money, and was like a god. He was revered and well-paid, and I tried but could not be like him. I was not comparing him to myself; I just wished I could have everything he did, and quietly, I began to fade away in all that misery and self-loathing.
There was this lady I knew back then; she, too, had graduated from high school and was a student in this guy's class. We talked for three to four years and she began to express romantic feelings; she was about 19 and I was 29. For someone who liked to talk a lot, I had no idea I had led her on.
Of course, she was too young, and that was a cutout, and while I thought it was just youthful exuberance on her part, it turned out she thought I was the type of man she wanted, most likely because she was unaware of my struggles.
Perhaps she was drawn to the small things, just as I was drawn to the accomplishments of my friend and colleague. I envied his ability to complete tasks without exerting any effort. He could do things I would not dare to do, and while I was admiring him, someone else saw me as their ideal.
My colleague's life was not bad, but he could not even spend 20% of his income. His family was in debt; he paid their rent, looked after his sisters and parents, and at the end of the day, he had very little money for himself. While he appeared to earn a lot of money, he was actually living hand to mouth, unable to afford clothes, food, and a comfortable lifestyle. He was the breadwinner, and he was not even 30.
However, my challenges were more serious
I had terrible health problems, chronic complications, and conditions, so I could not work as hard as he was, but he was not the perfect money-making machine who was financially secure.
Life presents us with numerous limitations; sometimes it is worse for one person and easier for another, but there are definitely limitations, and no one truly has a perfect life; we only have people who are fortunate enough to be able to hide their problems, and some people cannot hide theirs no matter how much they try.
For me, I could not hide my problems; they were obvious to anyone who cared to look closely, but I was good at concealing my health conditions and family issues from anyone who did not look well.
Apparently, my colleague had to talk about his struggles for me to understand what he was going through, and despite earning x10 of what I could earn, he had financial problems that forced him to work harder than he should, but he took his challenges and turned them into fun for himself.
Back to the girl I mentioned, she is still on my WhatsApp, always talking about love; she is over 20, but she only wants what she thinks she sees. I tried to explain my situation to her on several occasions, but she refused to listen. She has a promising future ahead of her, to meet other men, realize her goals and dreams and not settle for baggages she might not be able to handle.
I understand that sometimes people believe they are invincible in dealing with problems, but other times they simply overestimate their capacity.
She thought I had a good life and wanted in, but she is only starting out, and I believe she will eventually realize that the things we obsess over are things we can not afford to have. For example, I cannot afford my colleague's life; I cannot live, be, or have that endurance level (that good genetic disposition).
Even to this day, I wish I could be like him. Sometimes I think I can handle his challenges, but who knows? Maybe not.
People cannot switch lives, though we wish we could
If life were tradable, people would trade their pain for the pain of others in order to avoid their own. I have been there. Someone who is blind may think, "Oh, I wish I could be crippled, only if I could see," because they are tired of their conditions and want to be rid of them, even if it means developing another condition. Will I trade one condition for another?
Sometimes I wish I could.
At our lowest points in life, we wish for things simply because we want them. We want to feel a little free from our lives, the pain we go through, and our own unique challenges. I have seen people say things like "I wish I had cancer rather than the disease I have." It may sound selfish, but some of our deepest desires are to feel things we have never felt before, to enjoy the freedom that comes with not having the baggage we do.
Unfortunately, life is not tradable.
We cannot exchange the uniqueness of our struggles for another. There is no magical freedom from the uniqueness of our pain, but we learn experientially, from what we go through rather than what we are told. The knowledge we gain is primarily influenced by what we see for ourselves.
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