Just cycled up 1500meters, because I didn’t have a better idea what to do with this day. Now I am unable to move any further. I sit in a little shed full of fire wood which doesn’t protect me from the wind, at least I have a roof over my head.
I stare out of the door, listen to the sound of the fountain, the bells of the cows. Should I sleep here?
Unable to move nor think and still I know I am doing the right thing. Even though I am not sure where this will lead me. Not yet. It feels like someone laid breadcrumbs on my path, showing me the way. I just don’t know yet who did it and why.
So much has happened in the past week and I barely have the time to digest it all. Often I lay down at night, exhausted and still unable to sleep because of all the thoughts, encounters and sights I pass in one day.
Where does that lead me?
At Kurt’s place, who kindly offered me a space in his garden to sleep and then the next day invited me for breakfast which turned into lunch and coffee. Some of his friends passed by of which one a shepherd. “You need a goal in life.” He said and when I answered to his questions I was happy at the moment to just cycle up and down mountains, he didn’t understand. Maybe he was right. Why am I so intimidated by that question? Why can I not just name the things I am working towards?
What will I find at the end of this road?
And then I catch myself getting impatient at life. I want to see how it turns out right now, even though I know it all takes time. I am getting better at it. Cycling up, it’s the same, when I push and try to get there faster, the only thing I get is exhausted. When I take it slow, at a steady pace I can keep going forever.
Maybe cycling up and down mountains isn’t the goal of my life. Nonetheless I know, crossing a mountain has never been the wrong idea. I know every mountain I cross teaches me something I’ll never forget, something I’ll value. It shuts up my ego and shows me what I am capable of. Every meter of elevation is a meter further in understanding my life.
This morning I got up and just going down the valley felt wrong. I lost my goal, since I had crossed the last peak on my way, do I even want to reach the end of this valley?
Now I am up somewhere again, the valley below, exhausted and everything around me is peaceful. Quiet and wild, the wind is cold. Soon I’ll have to decide wether I say here for the night or not.
My capacity for decision making has reached it’s limit.
Maybe I take this shed, even if it doesn’t protect me from the wind, it at least does so from the rain. Or I’ll change my mind. But I am tired.
I don’t know what to do, and I know I’ll do the right thing which ever. It is a weird feeling. Exhausted and calm. Lost and reassured. Alone and safe.
It’s the next day, so I am able now to tell you how yesterday ended.
A guy showed up at the picnic place, and even if he was probably nice and everything it made me feel uncomfortable staying there for the night. What if more people show up later?
I left, feeling stupid for my fears for an instant but told myself it was all going to work out fine in the end. Not easy when dawn is falling in the middle of the mountains and the wind smells of snow.
Eventually I went to ask a farmer if I could sleep in the barn with the cows. He says no. Not knowing where to go I just stay in there and we chat a bit. Eventually he offers me the garage, but then states that no one ever slept in there and goes on offering me the couch. “This is getting better and better.” I think, just as he starts talking about dinner and shower.
Turns out his Girlfriend didn’t think it was a good plan, fair enough. Almost dark outside I am getting uncomfortable. He tells me to go and see a friend in the next village, that he just called. Not very reassured I decide to trust the flow and go to said address.
The other farmer also says no one ever slept in that barn. So he drives me and my bike all the way up the mountain again offers me a little wooden cabin all to myself. Stove, water and a bed. Before he leaves he even makes a fire. And suddenly I sit there at the table, by myself in the cutes hut I could imagine on the top of the mountain.
I don’t know what I am doing. It feels like it must be the right thing.
Cheers for stopping by, have a great week!
All photos and words are owned by ©kesityu taken and written by myself.