Boundaries are important in determining the health of any relationship.
Boundaries clarify;
where you stop and where I begin,
which problems belong to you
and which problems belong to me.
What are boundaries?
"Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. . . ." - Dr. Henry Cloud
Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like.
Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options.
However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.
Think how confusing it would be if someone told you to “guard this property diligently, because I will hold you responsible for what happens here,” and then did not tell you the boundaries of the property.
Or they did not give you the means with which to protect the property.
This would be not only confusing but also potentially dangerous.
This is exactly what happens to us emotionally and spiritually.
Fortunately, humans were designed in a world where we all live “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.”
“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” (Prov. 14:10).
We have to deal with what is in our soul, and boundaries help us to define what that is.
If we are not shown the parameters, or are taught wrong parameters, we are in for much pain.
In addition to showing us what we are responsible for, boundaries help us to define what is not on our property and what we are not responsible for.
We are not, for example, responsible for other people.
Nowhere are we commanded to have “other-control,” although we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get it.
We are responsible to others and for ourselves.
Many times others have “burdens” that are too big to bear.
They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help.
Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is what define being responsible “to” others.
On the other hand, everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry.
These things are our own particular “load” that we need to take daily responsibility for and work out.
No one can do certain things for us.
We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life that are our own “load.”
The Greek word for burden means “excess burdens,” or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down.
These burdens are like boulders.
They can crush us. We shouldn’t be expected to carry a boulder by ourselves!
It would break our backs.
We need help with the boulders—those times of crisis and tragedy in our lives.
In contrast, the Greek word for load means “cargo,” or “the burden of daily toil.”
This word describes the everyday things we all need to do.
These loads are like knapsacks.
Knapsacks are possible to carry.
We are expected to carry our own.
We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors and all other responsibilities that you have chosen to own in your life.
Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry.
The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility.
Sources
According to
R. Skip Johnson an author from BPDfamily.com
The following characteristics indicate a problem in setting and enforcing boundaries.
Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied.
Acting on the first sexual impulse.
Being sexual for partner, not self.
Going against personal values or rights to please others.
Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.
Not noticing when someone else displays
inappropriate boundaries.
Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want.
Touching a person without asking.
Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
Letting others describe your reality.
Letting others define you.
Believing others can anticipate your needs.
Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically.
Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
Each of us has boundaries, some of which go unspoken, in many areas of our lives.
We set boundaries in regard to physical proximity and touch, the words that are acceptable when we are spoken to, honesty, emotional intimacy (such as how much we self-disclose to others).
When one or both people in a relationship have difficulty with boundaries, the relationship suffers.
Lest we stay in pain or become irresponsible, it is very important to determine what “me” is, where my boundary of responsibility is and where someone else’s begins.
In the next post I will share How to Develop Healthy Boundaries
Source
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