Last night felt strange to me. I mean, I finished work relatively early, at a decent hour. I had time to upload my post for HIVE, and I was able to handle my responsibilities as a mother without any issues. For about a week now, a very close friend of mine has been going through a breakup process, from a personal relationship that never quite became an official relationship, yet for him it felt completely real. This post tells the story of a guy who is sad, on a night full of nostalgia.
Josué, that is his name, is someone who in many areas of his life understands human relationships as an all or nothing situation. Either I love you immensely, or you mean absolutely nothing to me. And that kind of polarity when it comes to complex emotions is not only wrong in my opinion, it is dangerous. Even more so when the what has never been defined by the two people who are part of a shared story, any story.
What do I mean by the what. Simple, they were not a couple, but they were not friends either. They were something in between. They never sat down to decide the rules of the game. To agree together this is what I offer, are you okay with that. They simply let things flow without them actually flowing. That was where I noticed a terrible mistake. And even more so for someone with his personality, where the need for affection and emotional dependence is so strong. Clearly that behavior has roots that existed long before this pseudo relationship. That much is obvious.
I kept telling my friend that he needed to understand the circumstances of what had happened to him. When a relationship ends, it is never entirely one person’s fault. There is no such thing as heroes or villains. Watching his grieving process and hearing him constantly repeat while I sat there with him I am the one to blame, everything is my fault, it was my mistake did not seem very healthy to me. Even though I did understand which stage of his personal grief he was going through.
The thing is, my friend’s unfinished story with his almost something also involves another friend. In other words, I am emotionally caught in the middle of two sides. I know him and care deeply about him, but I also care about the other person. It is an uncomfortable position for someone who has to remain neutral. Because I know parts of both of them. And they are completely and absolutely opposite. In my opinion, what prevented this from ever becoming established was simple incompatibility.
One side, hers, was more realistic, mature, pragmatic, and not very romantic because she is materialistic in every sense of the word. And then there is Josué. Extremely sensitive, intensely idealistic, with a romanticized understanding of what a relationship is supposed to be, and with very little experience in how these kinds of human connections are actually built and sustained. From that Wednesday night, there are several things I take away. His desire to learn to discover himself and to break the negative behavioral patterns he already knows he carries.
Sometimes being a friend feels a little bittersweet. But at the same time, I stick to the principle of offering him what is best for him, not necessarily what he would like to hear. If he has realized that he needs psychological help to work through his own demons, then becoming his accomplice would be counterproductive. Even more so when I have to remain neutral in a nearly relationship between two of my closest friends. It was also a sad night, because sometimes we have to be colder and more logical when what we really want is to be the exact opposite. For his own good, because I care about him, and because he needs it.
