There it was again.
This noise.
Familiar, well known.
The unmistakable sign of reality.
Loud, threatening, imposing and majestic.
A sense of community, deceptive and yet there.
A feeling of connectedness, of pain, fear, despair.
A feeling of courage, bravery and pride.
Protective but without protection.
I look up and I'm there and yet I'm not.
I feel the pain of those who are up there and those who are left behind.
The uncertainty, the wait, the repression of feelings and the fear.
I feel the adrenaline that rushes into the body to survive.
The anger, the hate and the will.
Let's fight for a better world, but do we?
Many go for the first time with the feeling that they are doing the right thing.
Few go for the first time with a sense of what is awaiting them.
Many come back clueless, hopeless.
Few come back with the feeling that it was worth it.
Many break down because of their experiences.
Few talk about what they experienced, what they did, what was done to them.
When you are there you function. You do what you have to do. You don't ask, you survive.
When you stay behind, you function. You do what you have to do. You don't ask, you survive.
You see them go, you see them come back.
You wait.
You hope.
You see them go, you see them come back in a coffin.
You wait.
You cry.
You see them go, you see them come back with half of their bodies.
You wait.
You are desperate.
You see them go, you see them come back broken.
You wait.
You lost them.
You stay behind but your world turns grey.
You stay behind pretending everything is fine.
You stay behind knowing that few understand what you are going through.
You stay behind with guilt.
You stay behind broken.
You stay behind lost.
In the end no one fought for a better world.
In the end everyone fought to survive.
What you see is five Ch-47 Chinooks and two Black Hawks from the United States military.
Flying over my apartment on a regular basis.
What you read is reflections of myself, a former military spouse after several deployments.
Of me losing friends in war and a marriage because of PTSD.
Every military member can suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Active, retired, spouse, soldier.
