The most important thing that we do not want others to know is invisible yet it screams loudly through our behavior and tackling of life : trauma. I think it would be a funny joke to ask a new person this question : I wonder how much trauma do you have and may I kindly ask you to tell me honestly so I could make a fair assessment of how much of that I could handle? Fortunately enough we humans do not interact like this and we often hide our trauma or are even oblivious to it in the first place.
When I have read David Goggin’s life story written in his book “Can’t hurt me” I was left a bit torn. Here it is, an american icon of resilience and muscle power but I could not feel utter exhilaration after I turned the last page. I felt sadness, confusion, pity and an overall feeling that something is missing from the entire picture.
We all go through trauma. The first people who did us harm, in one way or another, with or without intention, are our parents. We grow up and try to heal the wounds and make amends if possible. David went through a lot of abuse from his father. He got beaten up and lived in a tight regiment of fear with his mother and his brother, feeling captive under the despotic spell of his father. It was tough to read the first chapters. A child is so helpless and adults often fail to realize the amount of responsibility that lies on their shoulders in order to transform a tiny human into a healthy adult. A traumatized brain is always in fight or flight mode.
While reading the book I realized that David unravels a universal truth amongs trauma survivors: personal relationships and emotional savviness are hard to get for traumatized people. A tough shell grows in order to protect the soul : nothing gets in and nothing gets out. Anger and rage are something that is common because a traumatized person can rarely afford to sit still and allow themselves to cry their tears and release that sadness.
I felt pity because David’s inner child has long been forgotten by the adult David. It is easy to throw oneself in work, in an overdrive mode, in order to prove to yourself that you are worthy. When your parents did not have the emotional intelligence to treat you with kindness, love, compassion, you lack the tools to have the same feelings towards yourself and others. David admits that he longed to accept himself and because of his self-criticism he also judged others severely. Lacking what I call the social game he was self-sabotaging in the army. He could have levelled up in the Army but he was very confrontational and made a lot of enemies along the way. It took him years to see this.
Trauma is invisible to the naked eye of the ones who look and also to the one who has it. This is why it is such a sneaky enemy: it goes unnoticed. We sweep pain under the rug and with the passing of the years we are in denial. We tell to ourselves that we are ok. That it wasn’t that bad. We justify abuse and even search it subconsciously.
Healing takes the courage to search that little child and sit for a long talk with him or her. I think that David’s epiphany about his inner child is the most precious moment from the entire book as it shows that under a big musculous body there is an aching heart.
This book taught me that I should never look at someone as being an adult just because they have anatomically developed. A lot of us are walking wounded children longing to be heard and seen. Many of us bury our trauma under piles of work, becoming workaholics or developing addictions or illnesses in order to cope with unresolved wounds.
Human dynamics are not easy. We can’t choose our parents or the country in which we are born. But as we grow up and become self-sufficient we can ,through inner work, heal and develop better relationships. Sometimes this can mean to cut off a parent or a sibling from your life because they are toxic. Sometimes this can mean to leave a job that drains your soul. Sometimes this can mean to allow yourself to cry and to release the pent up anger inside your body.
It is ok not to be okay and to allow yourself to cry the tears of the little boy or the little girl inside of you. In this book you will have a glimpse of how it is to live a life from a wounded place like David and how to overcome it. I believe that it took immense courage from Goggins’s side to publish such vulnerable insights from his life.
My lesson from this book is that we should not strive to embellish ourselves with accomplishments and fancy titles in order to fill in that void inside of us. Instead we should make the courage to weep and to admit that our parents weren’t perfect and that we are allowed to feel anger and rage and helplessness. At the end of this tunnel of emotions we have to power to heal ourselves and to turn things around. Remind yourself of all of your past victories as a human being and may this be your fuel in your future endeavours. David calls this strategy the Cookie Jar: your reservoire of power from which you can drink in the dry moments of life when nothing seems to work anymore.
Overall the book is a thrill to read yet I was left with a feeling that David did not tell us everything. I wish I would have seen more vulnerability in his romantic relationships but I think that in the end each of us heals in their own rhythm...even in love.