Why Didn't She Leave?
The first time I saw a couple fight was when I was in primary school. They were neighbors. Although it's not a fight if one person is defenseless while the other throws the punches. Ever since I realized that it was a norm in a lot of homes where the man hits his wife in a fit of rage. In our society, it's a prevalent issue that isn't frowned upon as it should be. There are so many hot takes and questions asked regarding this topic. Earlier this year, I read a book that centers on the theme of domestic violence and I was exposed to another side of the issue.
It End With Us is the most popular book by Colleen Hoover, a new york best-selling author. This book follows the story of Lily, a young lady who hasn't had much luck with life. To pursue her dreams, she moved from Maine, a small town she grew up in to Boston. There she meets Ryle, a gorgeous neurosurgeon who sweeps her off her feet. He is stubborn, smart, and a bit grumpy but he has a soft spot for Lily. They fall in love, get married and some skeletons come out of hiding. Ryle turns out to be abusive. She makes excuses for him the first time and forgave him but he hits her again. Growing up, she watched her father hit her mum countless times. Her mom never left and Lily didn't want to repeat that cycle. She wants to leave but she's still in love with him together with the fact that Ryle is apologetic. In the end, she does what is best for her and her child.
This book was the fastest book I've read. It sucked me in from the first page and I finished in two sittings. The story is unforgettable and captivating. It opened my eyes to another side of abuse that I never thought about or understood. Whenever a woman dies because she was beaten to death by her husband, the question people ask is "Why didn't she leave?". Social media would be full of posts advising women to leave abusive homes. But I rarely see any finger pointed toward the criminal. Nobody asks why a husband hits his wife and even in cases where people do, excuses are made for them stating clearly that his wife must have offended him.
"Shouldn’t there be more distaste in our mouths for the abusers than for those who continue to love the abusers?"
Lily didn't leave the first time because she was in love with him. There's hardly any woman who leaves the first time. They all assume it's a slip-up and forgive the man. Unfortunately, it happens again and again until they get used to it. It becomes normal.
The first time your father hit me, he was immediately sorry. He swore it would never happen again. The second time he hit me, he was even more sorry. The third time it happened, it was more than a hit. It was a beating. And every single time, I took him back. But the fourth time, it was only a slap. And when that happened, I felt relieved. I remember thinking, ‘At least he didn’t beat me this time. This wasn’t so bad.’
Lily stayed for love but it isn't the same for a lot of women in Nigeria. Nigeria is a highly patriarchal society and women have been made to believe marriage is the ultimate goal of their life. If a man hits his wife and she reports him, people would say to her, "Maybe you said something that provoked him. Just listen to him next time. That's how men are. It was a mistake. It's the devil trying to destroy your home, you should strengthen your prayer life". People would mind their business but let me reiterate that domestic violence isn't a family matter but a societal concern. Single mothers are called second-hand products. Divorced women are treated like outcasts and shamed for their inability to " keep their marriage". A large chunk of the population is guilty of this so it is highly hypocritical for you to ask why women don't leave abusive marriages. It is also performative that the only time people care about a woman being abused is when she eventually dies otherwise she's told to endure. Why are the victims shamed and stigmatized? Why do men always go scot-free?
"People spend so much time wondering why the women don’t leave. Where are all the people who wonder why the men are even abusive? Isn’t that where the only blame should be placed?"
Domestic Violence is one subject that I find deeply infuriating. I commend how raw the emotions and message in this story were portrayed. It's not always black and white as it seems. I really wish as a society we learn to be kinder to women and hold men accountable. Until then, I'm afraid women would never stop suffering. This is one unforgettable read for me and it's top on my recommendation list.
Thank You For Reading!
Cover photo source: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/27362503-it-ends-with-us
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